Keira Knightley has broken up with boyfriend Jamie Dornan. Dornan, a model who recently landed his first movie role in the currently filming Sofia Coppola film Marie Antoinette, has been with Knightley for two years. An insider tells the Daily Mirror:
Keira’s gutted. She really thought what she and Jamie had was love but it just wasn’t meant to be. They both wanted it to work but in the end it was just untenable. They were having crisis talks on an almost daily basis so the decision was reached to finally call it a day.”
I haven’t modeled full time since my baby pageant days, when I quickly realized what a hollow pursuit it was. And that it wasn’t getting me any tail. And also that most of the other male baby models were dorks. So if Keira is on the market for the opposite of the borderline hetero weenie she’s been dating, maybe she’d like to know that I won the Admiral Bull Halsey Award for Ass-Kicking while at the Naval Academy. And not just for my awesome level of racism against enemies of the United States. I’m so hard, I don’t even use soap. I use Comet. Maybe a splash of Tilex. Those models might look a little better walking around the house taking Cosmo surveys in their underpants, but maybe a karate attack will take the blush out of those cheeks.
Survey says: you’re screwed.