These obviously aren’t new, we put them up a month ago, but for whatever reason, a high res version of that last one – the money shot – didn’t show up until today. Although, now that I think about it, I guess it didn’t show up for the same reason Nic Cage was warned to not investigate snuff films, because there are some things you cant un-see. Fantastic Four didn’t have a close up of the Thing’s ass, but its probably safe to say that this is what it would have looked like. Normally I shrink big stuff down to full page size, but I left the last one huge, for the same reason that a dead body on TV and a dead body in real life has a profoundly different effect on people. It’s the proximity that makes it terrifying.
The New York Daily News has another chapter today in the seemingly endless line of stories claiming that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are having trouble in their marriage. Today’s rumor comes out of Miami and the VMA’s:
At the Ocean Drive/Bodog party in Miami, the (couple) seemed to exude all the warmth of liquid nitrogen – and Jessica’s wedding ring was conspicuously missing – as they walked the red carpet. “Are we gonna do this together?” Simpson demanded of her hubby, who shrugged indifferently, according to a (source). Once inside the VIP section of the Loews Hotel, Nick and Jessica barely spoke. On leaving, the couple clasped hands while in sight of the paparazzi – but Simpson let go and marched ahead when they reached the privacy of the kitchen.”
There are never any pictures of Nick and Jess fighting, so either all these second hand stories are a pack of jealous lies or Jessica Simpson is a Machiavellian genius, able to change characters and personality on a moment’s notice, dumb and giggly one second, in complete control and aware of everything around her the next. The camera goes on and she stares at her food with the perplexed look of a caveman time traveler, the camera goes off and she’s barking orders, a phone on each ear – “Where did the Nikkei open”, “Call Drucker and order the new centrifuge”, “Why is the satellite off its orbit”, “If you fags cant install the blow insulation the way I want it, get my mask and I’ll do it myself”.
I’m not gonna lie to you, I think it might be the first one.
I could very happily write about Jessica Simpson all day long – for example I could mention that the sequel to the Dukes of Hazzard is moving forward and will be set in London – but Sharon Stone is allegedly furious that Catherine Zeta-Jones will play the part of Lana Turner in an upcoming bio-pic, because Stone claims Turner wanted her to play the part. Quoth Stone
“I met Lana in her final years and liked her a great deal. She was every inch the movie star and we got along really well. She said if there was a film to be made on her life, then I was her choice. Lana’s life is one of the more interesting of the Hollywood greats. Lana really rocked.”
When asked about something completely different, Trey Parker said, “Actors and actresses are the worst, because they’re just fucking monkeys. Half the people in this country could do what they do but for some reason they think their opinion matters.” When asked about this project and rumor, an imaginary producer I just made up said, “We considered Sharon because she’s a good actress and she still looks hot enough at 47 to wear see thru dresses like in the pictures below my quote, but she’s also an insufferable bitch and egomaniac who does nothing but complain and thinks actors should rank above nuns who sponge lepers in Calcutta and Batman on everyone’s list of international heroes. What’s my proof? Uh, stuff exactly like this.”
There is absolutely nothing good going on today and normally this is where I re-affirm my devotion to Marissa Miller and post some pictures of her, but the guy-girl picture ratio around here is pretty egregious, so here are some shots of Jake Gyllenhaal surfing. I think they’re relatively new, maybe a week or two, and if they’re older than that, you just need to keep that to yourself cause it would mean I just stared at a wet shirtless dude for an hour for no reason.
I don’t really know that much about this guy cause he doesn’t work that much. I assume he’s okay kind of like I assume swimming with dolphins is okay. I don’t really know for sure, although I do hear they both may lunge right for my dork if I’m not careful. I know chicks get real doe eyed about him cause they say he’s dreamy and he surfs, but I’d like to point out that he basically looks like every single guy in my fraternity and what he’s doing here is to surfing what walking across the living room is to the decathlon.
Jenny here with a couple quick links for you:
Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham says she reads books, but admits she can’t finish them. She takes the easy route and blames her kids for that one, but she’s an emaciated, pig-nosed airhead and her husband is about a thousand times prettier than she is, so I can see why her life is so distracting that she can’t manage to finish a tedious book like The Little Engine That Could.
Martha Stewart has chosen her new catch phrase to use when she fires people from her new show I won’t watch which is the new version of The Apprentice. She decided on “You just don’t fit in my big, giant vagina.” Okay, so I made up the “my big, giant vagina” part. I simply refuse to say anything nice about her because she’s a wicked, doily worshiping, sparkly, puff painted monster. She’s made absurd amounts of money from claiming ownership of ideas and creations submitted to her by her fans and employees. Plus, I heard rumors that behind the scenes she wears a strap-on and threatens to donkey punch anyone who dares to defy her.
According to a report in this morning’s IMDb, “Diddy (Sean Combs) has been slapped with a $5 million breach of contract and copyright infringement lawsuit by model Tyson Beckford, formerly the face of Diddy’s Sean John clothing line. Tyson alleges that once his contract ran out, Combs failed to renew it, but continued to use his image and likeness to advertise the line without permission. Beckford’s attorney, Kenneth Montgomery, says:
What we have here is a blatant case of wrong doing on behalf of Mr. Combs and Sean John. They willfully continued to use Mr. Beckford’s image without permission because he become known as the face of Sean John. My client reached out to Mr. Combs several times before coming to my firm. His manager Beth Ann Hardison also contacted him to seek a resolution. They were not heard.”
Never in a million years would I have imagined that someone named “Diddy” could become some kind of rap mogul, alongside genuinely dangerous thugs like Suge Knight. Even at my Aryan white country-club prep-school, if your name was “Diddy”, it might as well have been “swing me around by my underwear and stuff me in a fat-girl’s locker”. And since this kind of lawsuit is pretty common, I totally believe Diddy is guilty, because everything that hack does can only be described by whatever word means the exact opposite of “groundbreaking”.
Oh, uhh, I couldn’t find any decent sized pictures of Tyson Beckford for the ladies, but here are some of the Rock that I found
under my pillow online somewhere manly. And … um, they’re both … I don’t know … from islands. I think. Or maybe not. What am I, his biographer?
Zap2it is reporting that “Fox’s Arrested Development has scored a casting coup, landing Oscar winner Charlize Theron for a guest-starring arc this fall. Theron will appear in five episodes of the Emmy-winning series. She’ll play a ‘gorgeous British woman’ named Rita who becomes a love interest for Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman). She began filming this week and will make her first appearance in the show’s second episode, scheduled for Monday, Sept. 26. (This) will be her first work on a TV series.”
I have friends who are trying to make it as actresses and since I’m a powerful Hollywood celebrity, they often turn to me for advice on how to get on TV, and I tell them they should win an Academy Award. That’s what that chick on Arrested Development did, I say. And they say that’s unrealistic and stupid. And I say, well have you even tried. And eventually they admit that they haven’t even tried. And then they get pretty sad. And then I grab their ass. Cause, you know, maybe.
Kirsten Dunst obviously spent time with Orlando Bloom over the past weekend when they presented the Best Rock Video at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday, but the Mirror UK is reporting that it’s time with Bloom didn’t stop there. It was also spotted with Bloom at the Raleigh Hotel in the early hours on Sunday morning. A few hours later, it returned to the hotel where it stunned guests by “frolicking poolside” with Bloom.
In theory, it still dates Jake Gyllenhall and Bloom still dates Kate Bosworth. And that’s where the mystery deepens. Why Orlando pretends to date girls to begin with is confusing, but the thought of him banging Dunst just makes my skin crawl. Despite erotic urban legends to the contrary, sex with a baby-toothed ghost yields surprisingly little satisfaction.
Jenny here with a few quick links for you:
Courtney Love has confirmed the rumor that she’s pregnant. I am truly amazed this broad was able to conceive another child. I would have thought that whatever organs are still able to function in that polluted mess of a body would have packed up and left by now. I am even more amazed that there is a guy out there who wanted to have sex with her and was actually able to maintain an erection long enough to impregnate her.
Madonna’s bellybutton tops Spin Magazine’s list of Rock’s 25 Most Incredible Body Parts. I catch a lot of flack for my undying love and devotion to almost all things Madonna. I say “almost” because I haven’t forgiven her for helping keep Britney Spears on the musical radar, trying to rap on that last CD or joining a cult, but I still love that sexy bitch. And I’ll never be able to thank her enough for her book, SEX, which came out when I was in high school and contained the hottest pictures ever taken of her. It also taught me that it’s okay to have sex with other women and masturbate while straddling a mirror. That book was a better teaching aid than any of those sappy books she’s writing nowadays in a desperate attempt to equalize her karma in the eyes of her Kabbalah gods, or whatever. Those are to literature what Nick Nolte’s mugshot is to glamour photography.
Some of those very hot and very NSFW pictures from SEX can be seen here.
Performing at the MTV Video Music Awards can be well worth it if you crave the pointless free crap packaged in the famous gift bags awards shows routinely hand out to entice big names to grace the stage. Crap like $1,000 mink eyelashes and 24-carat gold lash curlers. I’m serious, by the way. The bags at this year’s VMAs were valued at $26,000. Nice, but a paltry sum compared to the bag at last year’s Grammys, which were worth an estimated $34,000, or last year’s Academy Awards, which was valued at $150,000.
Other items in the VMA bag were an iPod shuffle with an MTV logo, an orange vinyl Paul Frank watch and a glass checker-set from Jose Cuervo, six months of guitar strings from Dean Markley, a six-month membership from The Sports Club/LA, two complimentary vacations, Shu Uemura makeup products, a Willy Wonka “golden ticket” redeemable for unlimited Nestle Wonka candy, a Dooney & Bourke triangle duffel bag, Swarovski T-shirts from Americana Couture, a Frederick’s of Hollywood herringbone tweed-and-velvet corset, Givenchy perfume, Taryn Rose ballet shoes, Missoni sunglasses, a limited-edition Sean John tee, and, last but not least, the billionaire artists can redeem a $1,000 gift certificate to “life coach” Sherri Ziff Lester, who may have some thoughts as to why people hate them.