Johnny Knoxville is pretty damn cool By brendon July 29, 2005

The New York Daily News is reporting,

Johnny Knoxville and some friends were tossed out of a New York bar for brawling with a man who made the mistake of bothering supermodel Kate Moss, an alleged former flame of Knoxville … the violence started when Moss’ unidentified tormentor bizarrely insisted on caressing Moss on the cheek with a rose, despite Knoxville’s repeated warnings to quit it.”

“The guy was really bugging her, and then he was trying to give the rose to Johnny,” says an onlooker. “Johnny finally took him, turned him upside down and dropped him on his head. The guy got up and threw a beer bottle at him,” said the spy. “It hit someone’s arm and then shattered on Johnny’s hands. It cut him up – there was blood all over his T-shirt.”

Johnny Knoxville is no male model and he’s no genius and his career is based on him rolling in sewage with a midget in a Garfield outfit, but he seems to punch a lot of obsession worthy kitty, mostly cause he does stuff like this. Girls pretend they like poets in scarves, but what they really want is a dude who is funny and will get into bar fights. The dude running the emotional bum rush is never gonna get laid in a bar. It’s okay to cry now and again, but only if your dog dies, not because the girl hasn’t called in two days. And this brings me back to Kate Bosworth. I know these Hollywood girls don’t seem to complain much when dating these sensitive Hollywood guys, but that’s like saying a raccoon doesn’t complain when he’s eating watermelon rinds in a dumpster. That’s pretty much all there is.

The New York Daily News is reporting, Johnny Knoxville and some friends were tossed out of a New York bar for brawling with a man who made the mistake of…
Kate Bosworth is back with her ex By brendon July 29, 2005

“Kate Bosworth has reportedly fallen back into the arms of her Australian model lover following Orlando Bloom’s return to the UK,” says IMDb. “Bloom was photographed cuddling up to heart-broken actress Sienna Miller on Sunday following her split from Jude Law – and it appears Bosworth has rekindled her romance with Lundi Shackleton … an assistant to director Bryan Singer.”

I wrote “lover” because the article says “lover”, which makes him sound like he picks her up in a horse drawn carriage and puts her in a velvet blindfold to eat strawberries. So between this homo and the last little weenie, my manly sexual powers may freak her out a little. I’ll try and tone it down, but when she sees me working with the abused horses, oiled up with my shirt off in faded chaps and a weathered cowboy hat, her intense feelings of primal lust may be confusing. My approach is gonna be to ignore her, and explain that I’m running from my past … and I’m sorry Kate, but I just cant talk about it. I know you just want to help, but I’m not ready to open up, just leave me alone. And then I’ll shed a single tear, and scream “Don’t look at me!”

I’m almost positive that will work.

“Kate Bosworth has reportedly fallen back into the arms of her Australian model lover following Orlando Bloom’s return to the UK,” says IMDb. “Bloom was photographed cuddling up to heart-broken…
Lucy Liu cast as Charlie Chan By brendon July 29, 2005

Several reports this morning are saying that Lucy Liu is all but signed to revive the role of Charlie Chan, the detective star of over 30 films made famous in the 1930′s. I haven’t seen any of those movies cause my video store has videos, not a holo-deck where I can travel back in time, but Lucy Liu is pretty hot, so I’ll probably be tricked into seeing this. Some people would argue that I haven’t had sex with Lucy Liu yet, but that’s because she hasn’t seen me in my underwear that says “Home of the Whopper” on the front. Man is her heart gonna melt when she sees that.

As clearly retarded as it is to have a girl play Charlie Chan, it’s still a step up, considering the first two actors to play the roles were big fat white guys, one from Missouri, one from Sweden (I looked it up!) so this may well be the world’s greatest idea, especially considering Liu is more willing to strip down than you might think, as evidenced by these very NSFW pics.

Also enjoy this picture, which was too NSFW for a thumbnail. And this one, which just looked weird lined up with the black and whites.

Several reports this morning are saying that Lucy Liu is all but signed to revive the role of Charlie Chan, the detective star of over 30 films made famous in…
Wilmer is a eunuch, Kimberly is a freak, Tara is a drunk By brendon July 29, 2005

Wilmer Valderrama has no penis: Umm … I don’t know how else to say that.

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Kimberly Stewart has 12 toes: I don’t usually bother to count peoples toes, cause I’m pretty sure I know what the result is gonna be, but Kimberly Stewart would appear to be the exception.

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Tara Reid is drunk: I wasn’t gonna post these pictures of Tara Reid falling down drunk, cause calling her a dumb drunken whore is like putting a frowny face on the nazi flag, but … umm … I’m bored.

Wilmer Valderrama has no penis: Umm … I don’t know how else to say that. ———- Kimberly Stewart has 12 toes: I don’t usually bother to count peoples toes, cause…
Dukes of Hazzard at Robins Air Force Base By brendon July 28, 2005

Okay, our Movable Type is screwed up this morning, so things are a little slow. I had to do this through telepathy, but I felt it was that important to pass on these pictures from Tuesday, when the cast of Dukes of Hazzard did a screening of the movie at Robins Air Force Base in Georgia, followed by a Q and A panel. I’m not sure how insightful a panel with Jessica Simpson would be – you might as well talk to a pelican – but I think it’s pretty cool that they would screen the movie for the troops. Unless this was some kind of focus group. Cause if you want a guinea pig, get a lab rat. Or a guinea pig.

And those are my Thursday Keys to Success!

Okay, our Movable Type is screwed up this morning, so things are a little slow. I had to do this through telepathy, but I felt it was that important to…
Penis Ahoy! By brendon July 28, 2005

Pictures … Brokeback Mountain … penis … Heath Ledger … penis … creepin me out … some guy … supposed to be Jake Gyllenhaal … who is gay … but wouldn’t do this scene … penis … jumping penis … pictures NSFW … Jake should be insulted … only doing this for girl readers … flying penis…

Oh thank God that’s over.

Pictures … Brokeback Mountain … penis … Heath Ledger … penis … creepin me out … some guy … supposed to be Jake Gyllenhaal … who is gay … but…
Angelina Jolie is living with Brad Pitt By brendon July 28, 2005

The Sun UK is reporting that “Angelina Jolie has moved into Brad Pitt’s Malibu home. Sources claim (Jolie) has set up home in the mansion with her adopted children, Maddox and Zahara. But friends say she is terrified of bumping into Brad’s estranged wife, Jennifer Aniston – who is renting a house just 20 minutes down the road An insider told The Sun newspaper: “Jennifer will return soon from filming in Chicago and knows it’s only a matter of time before she comes face to face with Angelina. But she wasn’t prepared for it to be so close to home.”

Just looking at these pictures of Angelina carry around the Tranny and Wakka Wakka, I’m starting to envy Brad Pitt just a little bit less. I think what Angelina has done is pretty admirable, and I think she’s unbelievably talented, but I never went on “It’s a Small World” and thought, “Man, I wish my living room looked like this.” And that’s Pitt’s house now. He lives in the cantina from Star Wars. The boy looks like a tarted up hussy and the girl has giant creepy eyes. And she’s always strangely bundled up. Makes me think she has flippers or something.

But hey, God bless them.

The Sun UK is reporting that “Angelina Jolie has moved into Brad Pitt’s Malibu home. Sources claim (Jolie) has set up home in the mansion with her adopted children, Maddox…
Sophia Bush is almost single By brendon July 27, 2005

Lloyd Grove in the New York Daily News this morning asks:

Is the honeymoon already over for One Tree Hill stars Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush, who said “I do” just three months ago? A spy reports: “The marriage is all but done. They are separated, and she is going to file for divorce imminently.” Rumors have been swirling about Murray’s allegedly naughty behavior in L.A. while the missus was out of town filming “Stay Alive,” a teen horror flick.

People really seem to hate this guy. I’m not really sure why cause I only kinda know who he is, but based on little more than these pictures, she seems kind of classy and beautiful and he looks like he just fell out of a plane. I only barely know what the hell that means, but he just always kind of looks dusty and disoriented, and his face is kind of smushed and he squints a lot. And based on the cartoons I grew up with, that’s what people look like when they fall out of planes. Or at least the coyotes.

update – a quick image search reveals that Sophia is okay with dressing up like a cheerleader and kissing other girls, and then not dressing up like a cheerleader and kissing other girls. Which moves her ranking with me from “who” to “queen of my heart.” (these pictures are pretty NSFW)

Lloyd Grove in the New York Daily News this morning asks: Is the honeymoon already over for One Tree Hill stars Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush, who said “I…
Greece doesn’t know, Knoxville is wanted, Britney is see thru By brendon July 27, 2005

Paris Latsis’ mom, “You are a making us a laughing stock.” : Apparently Greece and the Latsis family hadn’t really heard about Paris Hilton and her perpetual whoreing. But now they have. And they’ve seen the night vision porno starring their future daughter-in-law. And they have a few thoughts on the matter.

Try and guess if they’re good.

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Kate Moss wants Johnny Knoxville: these stories have to make Mrs. Johnny Knoxville positively giddy.

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Britney Spears has huge boobs: Man, talk about a close call, I wore this exact same outfit the other day. Thank God we didn’t end up at the same party.

These pictures aren’t new but the high-res versions are, as is Britney’s complete and utter lack of caring. If you ever tried to figure out exactly what Britney Spears nipples look like, you’ll get the definitive answer in about 5 seconds.

Paris Latsis’ mom, “You are a making us a laughing stock.” : Apparently Greece and the Latsis family hadn’t really heard about Paris Hilton and her perpetual whoreing. But now…
This chick looks good for once By brendon July 27, 2005

Maybe it’s because I’m a sexy sexist pig, but I’ve always considered this chick pretty average looking. I actually think she’s a really good actress, but I’m a bit puzzled by her rep as some amazing beauty. Generally speaking, a photo shoot of her proceeded by 20 hours of hair and makeup would be like putting a fresh coat of paint on a house that’s on fire, but she looks pretty great here. So good in fact, it took me a minute to even figure out who it is. And even though I know I’m alone on that, I’ll update later and post more pictures and her name. In the meantime, throw your guess down in the comment section, if you’re into that sort of thing.

update – I’m no genius, clearly – it’s only my zest for life that continues to overcome – but I should probably put some more thought into these things to at least not label the pictures “CT”, as someone correctly pointed out. But this is Charlize Theron, in a shoot for something I’ve never heard of in a foreign language I don’t recognize. I don’t speak insane or whatever these are labeled in and foreign countries are home of the Ebola virus so I rarely leave the states, but they spell “new” “nieuwe” if that helps. Where that rack came from in the second picture, I have no idea.

Maybe it’s because I’m a sexy sexist pig, but I’ve always considered this chick pretty average looking. I actually think she’s a really good actress, but I’m a bit puzzled…