Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are engaged

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From the BBC:

“Hollywood star Tom Cruise has become engaged to his girlfriend Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower in Paris. “Today is a magnificent day for me, I’m engaged to a magnificent woman,” he told reporters on Friday … Holmes, 26, was wearing a large diamond ring as she accompanied Cruise, who was promoting his film War of the Worlds in France …”

Here’s the thing about Katie Holmes: despite Tom Cruise trying to convince the world otherwise, she’s not that great. She’s pretty dopey actually. She’s been famous for about 10 years now, but you never really saw that much on her, and now that we have, it turns out she can barely speak. And she has no core belief system. More Play-Doh than Plato. Tom Cruise showed up six weeks ago, now she dresses completely different, she’s monitored like an enemy of the state and she’s converting to Scientology. She’s like one of those programmable pleasure robots that were supposed to have shown up by now based on movies I saw when I was a kid. So if anyone sees Katie walking around, try whacking her on the side a few times, maybe she’ll snap out of this insanity before its too late, cause keep in mind, Tom Cruise gets this excited about everything. He’s like a ferret on speed. He was professing his undying love for Nicole Kidman on Oprah ten minutes before he dumped her, while she was 3 months pregnant, and just a few months before their tenth anniversary, a convenient move that saved him millions in the settlement based on California law. At the time, many suggested that this was at the behest of his minders at Scientology, who had their own plans for those millions. So congratualtions Katie, if youre dream as a little girl was to marry Tom Cruise and be an easily tricked blank slate with big tits, you’re a winner!