Karrine Steffans is a slut By brendon June 20, 2005

A report in this mornings Rush and Molloy column says that many of the leading names in Hollywood and Hip-Hop are anxiously waiting the release of a book by Karrine Steffans, a staple as a model in music videos for that past few years. The girl whose nickname is ‘Superhead’ gives details about her sexual encounters with some of the biggest names in entertainment. Some excerpts:

Shaquille O’Neal was nothing to complain about.” She says that Shaq was so impressed with Steffans that, the day after meeting her, he deposited $10,000 into her bank account.

I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be in some giant mansion where no one can hear you scream while you’re being chased around by a naked Shaq and his giant penis. That thing has gotta be like a tree limb falling on you.

After hearing so much about Fred Durst’s stature, she gushed, “to actually hold him … felt like a privilege.”

Fred Durst would fuck a beehive, so this girl might wanna reassess what she finds flattering.

Vin Diesel “was a beautiful man … blessed with an enviable eight-pack and an even more enviable [bleep].”

I wrote ‘bleep’ cause the freakin article wrote ‘bleep’. I assume it stands for “willingness to co-star in movies with ducks.”

After inviting her to his home at 4 a.m., Sean (P. Diddy) Combs kicked his manservant Fonzworth Bentley out of a guest bedroom so he and Steffans could spend 15 minutes making love. “You’re one of the best,” she says P. Diddy told her. Steffans writes: “I said the same to him, when, in actuality, he was average.”

Ooohhh, 15 minutes! Good job Diddy. If he wrote a song about his sex with Karrine, I bet it would go like this: “15 minutes of love, uh-huh, uh-huh, that’s right, 15 minutes uh-huh, I’m talking about 15 minutes in the bed, that’s right, 15 minutes, you know what I mean, in the bed, makin love at night, that’s right…”

Anyway, I still have no idea who this chick is, and you prolly don’t either, but if you’re like me, your first thought was, “…please don’t let her be white.” You can find her home page here.

A report in this mornings Rush and Molloy column says that many of the leading names in Hollywood and Hip-Hop are anxiously waiting the release of a book by Karrine…
Tom Cruise is an easy mark By brendon June 20, 2005

“While Cruise was giving an on-the-spot interview at the “War of the Worlds” premiere in London, he was squirted in the face with water. The water came from what appeared to be a microphone. Four men who were part of a freelance camera crew were arrested. They could face assault charges”

Spraying Tom Cruise with water from a fake microphone ranks pretty low on my previously uninvented list of all time red-carpet pranks. In fact I don’t think I’d even rank in on my list of all time red-carpet pranks against goofy midget Scientologists. And maybe you didn’t think of the part where you had to explain to your new cellmates that you’re doing time for spraying water on somebody when they didn’t expect it. Or maybe you can’t get enough forced sodomy and this was your plan all along. Anyway, if you want to dazzle me with the red carpet water prank, try that crap with Russell Crowe or the Rock. And when you wake up six months later in a body cast and you can’t reach the morphine drip you so desperately need, just know that you’ve earned my respect. And that I’ve been bangin your girl.

Watch the video here.

“While Cruise was giving an on-the-spot interview at the “War of the Worlds” premiere in London, he was squirted in the face with water. The water came from what appeared…
The French are racist By brendon June 20, 2005

Don’t expect Oprah Winfrey to accessorize with Hermes bags any time soon. Spies in Paris report that, in a stunning display of ignorance … the Hermes store in (Paris) refused entry to the talk show queen. “Oprah didn’t have her hair done,” says a source. “When she tried the door, they refused her entry because they have been ‘having a problem with North Africans’ lately…’”

Quite frankly I could give a damn less if anyone is mean to Oprah Winfrey. And without her hair and makeup team and their blood-of-a-black-cat sorcery, she looks like a drag queen who should be doing “I Will Survive” in a dank karaoke bar somewhere, so Hermes is forgiven for not recognizing her, but the French can kiss my ass ever since 1986 when they wouldn’t let the United States use their air space to bomb Libya, so this is as good as chance as any to point out that they’re awful awful people.

Don’t expect Oprah Winfrey to accessorize with Hermes bags any time soon. Spies in Paris report that, in a stunning display of ignorance … the Hermes store in (Paris) refused…
Jennifer Lopez is demanding and clueless By brendon June 20, 2005

I haven’t killed that many people, maybe 8 or 9. And technically I guess they weren’t really “people”. A biologist might label them as “teddy bears”, but I totally beat the crap out of them is my point. Blood – or “stuffing” – was everywhere once my hissyfit vengeance was finished, so let this be a lesson to Jennifer Lopez, cause I’m really getting tired of her crap. Just like I did with Paddington.

Her latest insanity, courtesy of IMDb:

Jennifer Lopez is so unhappy with her accommodation and on set trailer while filming Bordertown, she has demanded a luxury motor home and a private villa. (Lopez) is starring in the low budget movie shooting in Mexico as a favor to (Selena) director Gregory Nava … but she still demands to live in luxury … “She doesn’t realize this is an independent movie – as in no studio is attached – and there is no one to pay her outrageous bills.” And her superstar requirements don’t stop there – Lopez is determined her hairdressers $10,000-a-day charge be taken out of Bordertown’s budget … The source continues, “The shit is going to hit the fan when she is told no one can pay for (her hairdresser) … (Co-star) Antonio Banderas isn’t asking for anything, but she is!”

I’m going to do every producer in Hollywood a favor and point out that JLo has been in 18 movies and not one has cracked 100 million, so there’s absolutely no reason to put up with her idiot behavior and confusing arrogance. And if you do, you deserve what you get, which is disappointing box-office and unending demands. I guess this guy liked her cause she did a good Selena impression, but how hard is that considering no one knows who the hell Selena was. I do a good Selena impression too. But to be honest, once I dug up her grave, the rest was pretty easy.

I haven’t killed that many people, maybe 8 or 9. And technically I guess they weren’t really “people”. A biologist might label them as “teddy bears”, but I totally beat…
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are engaged By brendon June 17, 2005

From the BBC:

“Hollywood star Tom Cruise has become engaged to his girlfriend Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower in Paris. “Today is a magnificent day for me, I’m engaged to a magnificent woman,” he told reporters on Friday … Holmes, 26, was wearing a large diamond ring as she accompanied Cruise, who was promoting his film War of the Worlds in France …”

Here’s the thing about Katie Holmes: despite Tom Cruise trying to convince the world otherwise, she’s not that great. She’s pretty dopey actually. She’s been famous for about 10 years now, but you never really saw that much on her, and now that we have, it turns out she can barely speak. And she has no core belief system. More Play-Doh than Plato. Tom Cruise showed up six weeks ago, now she dresses completely different, she’s monitored like an enemy of the state and she’s converting to Scientology. She’s like one of those programmable pleasure robots that were supposed to have shown up by now based on movies I saw when I was a kid. So if anyone sees Katie walking around, try whacking her on the side a few times, maybe she’ll snap out of this insanity before its too late, cause keep in mind, Tom Cruise gets this excited about everything. He’s like a ferret on speed. He was professing his undying love for Nicole Kidman on Oprah ten minutes before he dumped her, while she was 3 months pregnant, and just a few months before their tenth anniversary, a convenient move that saved him millions in the settlement based on California law. At the time, many suggested that this was at the behest of his minders at Scientology, who had their own plans for those millions. So congratualtions Katie, if youre dream as a little girl was to marry Tom Cruise and be an easily tricked blank slate with big tits, you’re a winner!

From the BBC: “Hollywood star Tom Cruise has become engaged to his girlfriend Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower in Paris. “Today is a magnificent day for me, I’m engaged…
Is Mena Suvari gay? By brendon June 17, 2005

Take this chick in the picture who Mena Suvari is holding hands with and then not holding hands with when she realized there were photographers around, and then photoshop it, and add a strap-on and a gladiator outfit and replace her un-clever liberal T-Shirt with one that has a picture of a penis with a circle and slash through it and then show her morphing into a bionic rhinoceros, and then hold it up side by side with the original, and see which one looks manlier.

Yikes.

I really don’t get this new look, cause it’s not like Mena Suvari can’t look hot every now and again.

thanks to Schizo over on JJB for finding these.

Take this chick in the picture who Mena Suvari is holding hands with and then not holding hands with when she realized there were photographers around, and then photoshop it,…
Britney Spears is an idiot By brendon June 17, 2005

Glamour UK reports “Britney Spears says her new single is all about having a child, but Britney says she wrote it two weeks before she discovered she was pregnant. “I wrote this song at my piano, at my house. I wrote it two weeks before I found out that I was pregnant, so it was really kind of weird, because the song’s about having a baby … It’s kind of like a prophecy … Everyone in general should voice their wishes more, because I think the more you throw it out to the universe, if you’re in the right space and place in your life, it’s weird how the universe gives it back to you.”

Someone should probably sit Britney down and explain where babies come from, cause, correct me if I’m wrong, its not from the Universe after it heard your crappy song and decided you were ready. “Prophecy” might not be the only way to predict that unprotected sex with an idiot hillbilly who is too drunk/stupid to pull out might lead to pregnancy. It’s also charming that someone who has been handed millions like Britney thinks the reason the rest of us aren’t rich is because we don’t “voice our wishes more”. Jesus Christ I hate these two. I gotta get me a bear. And teach it to maul anything in sky blue Fubu and backwards Yankees hats. And then release it in Malibu. Once chunks of guy showed up in the bears stool, animal control might be pretty upset, but then I’d explain it was Kevin Federline and we’d all have a pretty good laugh.

Glamour UK reports “Britney Spears says her new single is all about having a child, but Britney says she wrote it two weeks before she discovered she was pregnant. “I…
Kabbalah is ‘Hollywood’s hottest cult’ By brendon June 16, 2005

I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how 10 shades of crazy you have to be to take the title of ‘hottest Hollywood cult’ away from Scientology, but Kaballah sure as hell is trying. Radar Online has put up the first report in a series on the religion of Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Madonna, Guy Ritchie and Britney Spears. Some of the highlights include:

- The Centre’s leaders have claimed its Kabbalah Water can do everything from cleansing the lakes of Chernobyl to curing cancer. All the same, Madonna is going to team up with the Centre in marketing the water to the masses.

- Kabbalah Centre founder Philip Berg has made suspicious claims about being the rightful successor to revered kabbalist Rabbi Yehuda Brandwein. Berg also settled a lawsuit that charged him with copyright infringement and plagiarism.

- The Centre has a penchant for lending money (presumably donated to the “church” by parishioners) to companies owned by the Bergs’ friends. That includes one $1.8 million loan to a company that flips real estate in inner-city L.A. neighborhoods.

- The Bergs’ luxurious lifestyle stands in stark contrast to the bleak four-to-a-bedroom quarters of those who cook and clean for them, making $35 a month.

The next time some celebrity wants to lecture you on politics or the environment or war, please keep in mind the other insane stuff they believe and the genuine disdain they have towards you. Have no doubt, Hollywood is filled with drug-addict, whore-chasing, fuck-ups who sincerely do believe that they’re better then the mechanic in Mississippi who loves his wife and kids. The only good news is that they’re rich and easily duped, so anyone with a moose costume and a flashlight could probably convince a bunch of them that only the MooseLight Foundation can show the way to true enlightenment. That should be good for at least a few million.

I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how 10 shades of crazy you have to be to take the title of ‘hottest Hollywood cult’ away from Scientology, but…
Sex with Angelina Jolie is not that great By brendon June 16, 2005

I’m not really sure what the relationship is these days between Angelina Jolie and ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton, so I’m not sure if this comment by him was directed at her, but the New York Daily News seems to think it was, and that’s good enough for me:

“‘Sex doesn’t have to be with a model to be good,’ Thornton says in July’s Esquire. ‘Sometimes with the model, the actress or the ‘sexiest person in the world,’ it may literally be like fucking the couch.’ (Jolie was Esquire’s “Sexiest Person in the World” last year.)”

We could go back and forth all day about whether I have or have not had sex with a couch, but the point here is that I find it impossible to believe that sex with Angelina Jolie is anything less than earth shattering. It got Brad Pitt to dump his wife and leave his Malibu mansion to camp out in Ethiopian villages with more types of pestilence than toilet paper, so I gotta imagine she’s at least down for a frosty.

I’m not really sure what the relationship is these days between Angelina Jolie and ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton, so I’m not sure if this comment by him was directed at…
Jennifer Aniston says Brad Pitt cheated By brendon June 15, 2005

This mornings Page Six is reporting that the mystery behind the Brad Pitt / Jennifer Anniston “breakup has been solved. ‘She told (Vanity Fair) she did want babies with Brad, and that starting a family wasn’t the issue … The issue was Brad cheated…’”

It shouldn’t even count as cheating if you do it with Angelina Jolie. She should be some kind of exception, cause really, what choice do you have. It should just be understood that if Angelina is around, any social or sexual norms go right out the window. So if you see a general assembly at the UN and all the ambassadors have their feet up on the table and are masturbating, at first you might think, “Well that’s weird,” but then the camera would pan over to Jolie on stage giving a speech about starving babies getting ripped apart by crocodiles and you’d think, “Oh ok, I get it now.” And then you would take off your pants.

This mornings Page Six is reporting that the mystery behind the Brad Pitt / Jennifer Anniston “breakup has been solved. ‘She told (Vanity Fair) she did want babies with Brad,…