Lindsay Lohan not about the drama By brendon June 27, 2005

From IMDb: Lindsay Lohan strode past protestors at the opening of the first American De Beers store on Wednesday, despite the shouts of angry protestors. Representatives from advocacy group Survival International, who claim De Beers’s diamond mining in Botswana has led to the evictions of Gana and Gwi bushmen, shouted “shame on you” and “cultural genocide” as celebrities arrived for the launch. When asked by reporters when she thought about the bushmen controversy, Lohan replied, “I don’t get involved in any drama.”

Lohan did not go on to add, “I’m Lindsay fuckin’ Lohan you son of a bitch. Star of a little something called “Freaky Friday”. Gee, maybe you’ve heard of it. What? No, the remake. I don’t know, like 4 years ago. It had Jamie Lee Curtis. Yes, she’s still alive. Or maybe she’s not, the point is, what do I care if DeBeers has built its empire on blood and slavery and thuggery and robbing indigenous peoples of their land. If that’s the cost of getting me a shiny rock, hey, so be it. I don’t get involved with any drama. Unless it’s something really important, like where my life-changing song is placed in Herbie: Fully Loaded. I’m trying to heal this planet, and how can I do that if people have to wait 20 minutes to hear my crappy music.”

From IMDb: Lindsay Lohan strode past protestors at the opening of the first American De Beers store on Wednesday, despite the shouts of angry protestors. Representatives from advocacy group Survival…
Paul Bettany on short list for Batman sequel By brendon June 25, 2005

I’m adorable and a card but I turned down the role of the Joker in the sequel to Batman Begins, (I don’t do television or comic book movies) so Paul Bettany seems like a pretty awesome second choice. And according to several outlets this morning, he is now atop a very short list that also includes Crispin Glover and Lachy Hulme. Bettany, also known as that son of a bitch attached to the penis inside Jennifer Connolly, is probably best known for his work in a bunch of movies I never saw and A Knight’s Tale. He was not, however, in A Knight’s Tail: Ye Olde Anal Adventure, which I mistakenly rented that time I was babysitting and meant to get An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. The movie was okay, but it seemed to freak the kids out a little. I suspect because those girls don’t appear to have been real Knights at all. I pretty much run the Renaissance Fair every spring, and the lances we rent from the costume shop are pretty clear that you’re not supposed to put them there.

I’m adorable and a card but I turned down the role of the Joker in the sequel to Batman Begins, (I don’t do television or comic book movies) so Paul…
Chris Tucker gets pulled over By brendon June 25, 2005

My favorite part of this video of Chris Tucker getting pulled over in Georgia while driving 110MPH in his Bentley is when he apologizes to the cops, and then explains he’s been pulled over for this before. Does anyone actually mean it when they apologize to a cop? Why do people even bother to say crap like that. It’s like people who say “I’d love to help”. Those people never help. Just once I’d like to hear someone say, “I’d love to help … and here I go.”

My favorite part of this video of Chris Tucker getting pulled over in Georgia while driving 110MPH in his Bentley is when he apologizes to the cops, and then explains…
The Dukes of Hazard movie will not be released By brendon June 24, 2005

It might not the greatest idea in the world to get legal council from someone whose email starts with “SmoothB” (although Anton Scalia’s email is BadMuthaFukka19, so maybe I should) but worldly reader and local heartbreaker Tom sent in two stories yesterday in regards to an injunction that went down yesterday afternoon and will prevent Warner Brothers from releasing the feature version of The Dukes of Hazard, previously due out August 5th. The full public record can be found on the website for the Federal District Court for the Central District of California. The heart of the record says the following:

“Order by Judge Gary A. Feess: granting motion for preliminary injunction. WHEREFORE, IS IT HEREBY ORDERED that … Warner Brothers … (is) preliminarily enjoined during the pendencey of this action from preparing producing, editing, distributing, advertising, exploiting, copying, publishing, or licensing, for theatrical sequels based on or derived from the feature motion picture “Moonrunners”

Moonrunners is the 1975 movie that is credited as the premise for the Dukes of Hazard, and they were so similiar they both even featured Waylon Jennings as the narrator. I never saw that movie because I hadn’t been born yet and also because, based on a recent poll of my grandparents, I’m adorable and a precious angel and shouldn’t watch movies like that, although you’d never know it by reading my t-shirt with a kitten in sunglasses on it and the phrase “Here Comes Trouble!”.

Below is a screen cap of part of the Judges directive, which is worth reading just to see the phrase “Jessica Simpson is extremely hot right now” written down in a legal document to be recorded in the halls of justice forever. And thanks again to Tom who pretty much did all the work on this. Although it wouldn’t have killed him to write some funny jokes, unlike the crap I threw out here. Jeez, I don’t wanna throw around the word “lazy”, but…

Note - I do feel compelled to mention that The Dukes of Hazard website is still up, which would seem to violate the advertising portion of this injunction, so I can’t say for sure how serious this sort of thing is. It may happen all the damn time for all I know. I tried asking my life-size Torie Wilson cut-out about it, but she was all oiled up and only had one thing on her mind, baby.

It might not the greatest idea in the world to get legal council from someone whose email starts with “SmoothB” (although Anton Scalia’s email is BadMuthaFukka19, so maybe I should)…
Tom Cruise passionate about life. Also crazy as hell. By brendon June 24, 2005

Now officially dangerously insane Tom Cruise was on the Today Show this morning and what began as a typical media tongue kiss about War of the Worlds quickly ramped up into the greatest interview ever, with Cruise insisting time and time again that he knows things it’s been proven he doesn’t know, like during this exchange with Matt Lauer about Brooke Shields taking a prescription for post partum depression:

Lauer: But this wasn’t against her will.
Cruise: Matt, I’m – Matt, I’m asking you a question.
Lauer: I understand there’s abuse of all of these things.
Crusie: No, you see. Here’s the problem. You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do.

Just to reiterate, no, he really really doesn’t. Later, the actor who failed high school and never went to college explained his depth of knowledge in regards to psychiatric medications:

Crusie: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That’s what it does. That’s all it does. You’re not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.

I would have mentioned that Cruise failed in high school because he was diagnosed as being dyslexic, but since there‚Äôs clearly no such thing, that pretty much leaves “he’s a moron”. Do whatever you have to to never have a heart attack around Tom Cruise, cause he would just use his medical expertise to put some duct tape on your chest and give you some gumdrops. And then he would convince you that the defibrillator and paramedics who later saved your life really didn’t save your life. Just like people who improve on meds like Stratera and Ritalin haven’t really improved on meds like Stratera and Ritalin.

Crusie: And to talk about it in a way of saying, “Well, isn’t it okay,” and being reasonable about it when you don’t know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit more responsible in knowing what it is.
Lauer: But–
Crusie: Because you– you communicate to people.
Lauer: But you’re now telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences.
Crusie: What do you mean by that?
Lauer: You’re telling me what’s worked for people I know hasn’t worked for people I know. I’m telling you I’ve lived with these people and they’re better.
Crusie: So, you’re — you’re advocating it?

Full transcript and video of the interview on MSNBC here. Transcript of the really good parts on Drudge here.

Now officially dangerously insane Tom Cruise was on the Today Show this morning and what began as a typical media tongue kiss about War of the Worlds quickly ramped up…
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn together By brendon June 23, 2005

Another shame inducing waste of time, brought to you today by the fine folks at IMDb: “Rumors Jennifer Aniston is dating Vince Vaughn have surfaced again after the Hollywood stars were photographed hugging each other on the set of upcoming movie The Break Up. (Aniston) has been concentrating on her acting career since her split from Brad Pitt earlier this year – but pictures publishing in British newspapers show the co-stars touching each other in a way which suggests they are more than friends. In one snap published in the Daily Express Vaughn has both of his arms wrapped around Aniston, while she has both of her hands resting on his thigh.”

Here are those pictures the article mentions, and the noteworthy thing here is how big Celebrity Heartthrob Vince Vaughn looks. And I don’t mean fat (well, I kinda do) but he also looks taller than I remember. In the last picture, Aniston looks like she’s about to jump on his back like the end of that scene where Yoda decapitated those two Storm Troopers sent to kill him. Yoda’s fuckin cool!

Another shame inducing waste of time, brought to you today by the fine folks at IMDb: “Rumors Jennifer Aniston is dating Vince Vaughn have surfaced again after the Hollywood stars…
Where was Katie Holmes in April? By brendon June 23, 2005

This story has been around for a few days now, but Fox has a pretty nice summary of the details and the timeline as it’s known. The gist of it is that Katie Holmes, who has always been extremely close to her family and friends and always appeared devoted to her agent and manager, disappeared for 16 days in April. 16 days where no one knew where to find her, 16 days where she had no contact with anyone she had always been close too, 16 days that immediately proceeded her explosion on the public scene as the girlfriend of Tom Cruise and a new convert to the church of Scientology.

Some people might find it curious that things like this seem to keep happening to people immediately before pledging allegiance to Scientology. And that weirdness is a completely random event that seems to follow these people 100 percent of the time. But Katie Holmes insists on wearing hilariously high heels whenever she and Tom Cruise are in public, so there’s at least an once of resistance left in the girl. She does blink a lot however, and someone who knows morse code might want to look into that. I knew this dude who got duped by Scientology one day and ended up stuck in their center in Hollywood for like 10 hours. I totally meant to go save him, but then his girlfriend gave me a hand job and I got pretty sleepy.

I think his name is Baala Xenu now.

This story has been around for a few days now, but Fox has a pretty nice summary of the details and the timeline as it’s known. The gist of it…
Cameron Diaz gets punched By brendon June 22, 2005

From MSN: “Cameron Diaz was left stunned after she was punched in the face by a model who claimed the actress ruined her dress at a star-studded party … Furious Coralie Eicholtz, 23, attacked Cameron at Monte Carlo nightclub Jimmy’s after saying the actress stood on her gown causing her to trip and fall.”

Punching Cameron Diaz in the face has to be the most gratifying feeling in the world. And now that a precedent has been set, I’m gonna go buy a bunch of long flowing gowns and just kinda walk around where I think she might show up. So, if you guys wanna hang out or something, I’ll be the real handsome guy walking around Malibu in a wedding gown with a ten foot train and a kendo stick. And if you look behind me and Cameron Diaz is walking up, cover your ears cause you’re about to hear a loud snap. Followed by a bunch of crying.

note - NSFW pictures Coriale here.

From MSN: “Cameron Diaz was left stunned after she was punched in the face by a model who claimed the actress ruined her dress at a star-studded party … Furious…
Courtney Love is disgusting By brendon June 22, 2005

These pictures of Courtney Love and Pam Anderson (Pam is the one on the right) at the premier of Rize showed up last night and it’s absolutely remarkable how bad Courtney looks. I know calling her ugly is kind of redundant, but a normal human body has the occasional right angle on it. And hers used too. Now she looks like Strong Sad – look at that hoof she has jammed into that poor shoe. I’ve never felt so much empathy for a shoe before. I have no empathy for her since she’s done this to herself, she has all the time and money in the world and yet she looks like one of those Water Weasels where one grab one end and squeeze and all the fluid inside balloons up on the other. At least she’ll never sneak up on anyone, since there’s probably a sloshing sound whenever she walks. And she’s clearly still on drugs cause there no way you can stand on a red carpet looking like this next to Pam Anderson looking like that and not wanna put a shotgun in your mouth. Which is kind of ironic, since it’s Courtney Love were talking about.

These pictures of Courtney Love and Pam Anderson (Pam is the one on the right) at the premier of Rize showed up last night and it’s absolutely remarkable how bad…
Ben Affleck doesnt care By brendon June 21, 2005

If there one thing I hate more than robots from the future who try to kill me – and I fuckin hate robots from the future who try to kill me – it’s idiots who chain smoke around pregnant women. And Jennifer Garner is clearly pregnant at this point. And based on that cloud of smoke around Ben Affleck, he’s either a magic dragon or he’s smoking five cigarettes at a time. I’m no filthy hippy who freaks out about second hand smoke, but I also acknowledge that there’s probably a reason gynecologists don’t insert a pipe filled with rich tobacco during prenatal exams.

If there one thing I hate more than robots from the future who try to kill me – and I fuckin hate robots from the future who try to kill…