Domino Harvey is dead By brendon June 30, 2005

From Female First UK: “Former supermodel-turned-bounty hunter DOMINO HARVEY was found dead in a bathtub in her West Hollywood home on Monday night. She was 35. (She) was facing a possible life jail sentence over drug charges filed last year (04) … Domino quit modeling 12 years ago (93) to capture fugitives and criminals who had jumped bail. Domino’s life story has recently been the subject of KEIRA KNIGHTLEY’s new movie DOMINO, which is scheduled to hit cinema screens … in August, although it may now be delayed to incorporate the former model’s death into the storyline.”

I’m sure Domino Harvey was delightful and there are people mourning her right now, so I’m just gonna make fun of the movie version of her, which always looked suspect. First of all, for a “supermodel”, it’s suspiciously hard to find pictures of her online. The only picture I could find is that one below, with her in those white Toughskin jeans. Good luck finding a husband in those. And she’s got legs like Ricky Williams, which you generally don’t find on models. The movie says it’s mostly based on a true story, but you could pretty much say that about anything. You could say the Huffalump Movie was based on a true story if you wanted, cause “once, there was this bear…”, and then just make up the rest. Not that a girl could never be a bounty hunter, it’s just that a girl could never be a bounty hunter. If I was dating a girl who claimed she was one, I would just nod politely and then give her a new mission: “hunt” me down a piece of pie. And a glass of milk. And then I’d smack her on the ass as a send off, cause girls like to be reminded who’s in charge.

Telegraph UK has a more sobering account of Dominos life and the unbridled happiness that only a heroin addiction can bring.

From Female First UK: “Former supermodel-turned-bounty hunter DOMINO HARVEY was found dead in a bathtub in her West Hollywood home on Monday night. She was 35. (She) was facing a…
Jennifer Affleck By brendon June 30, 2005

From The National Enquirer: “Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have secretly married, The National Enquirer can exclusively reveal … Wearing white, the pregnant Alias star sealed her union with Ben on a sandy beach on the Turks and Caicos island yesterday evening. … With the sun setting, her costar Victor Garber watched as Jen, 33, and Ben, 32, embraced and kissed. The couple flew to the paradise hideaway yesterday morning … It is understood the couple are leaving the luxury resort Parrot Cay, where they spent their first night as a married couple, later today or tomorrow.”

Maybe I’m being too needy, but it would be nice if the National Enquirer would follow me around now and again. I’m at least as interesting as Ben Affleck, which is to say I’m as interesting as a plank of wood. A sexy plank of wood. You know, like Madagascar Rosewood or something hot like that. Maybe Maple Burl. Well, maybe not Maple Burl – I got a little carried away there – but you know, still pretty hot.

From The National Enquirer: “Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have secretly married, The National Enquirer can exclusively reveal … Wearing white, the pregnant Alias star sealed her union with Ben…
Tom Cruise is everywhere By brendon June 29, 2005

Tom Cruise needs to make a movie every week, cause this page pretty much writes itself whenever he’s taken off his leash. He seems to get dumber by the minute. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Here’s just the stuff from yesterday.

Tom Cruise is “confused” by sex: “Wait … the vagina? Really? That doesn’t sound right. Why on earth would I put it there?”

Tom Cruise believes in aliens: tell you what Tom, when a big silver UFO lands on the White House lawn at noon on a Wednesday, and a big ramp opens up and a big dinosaur-lookin thing begins a speech with “People of Earth…”, I’ll start believing in aliens. As long as the only reports come from drunk rednecks and Mexicans filming lights in the sky when they live a mile from the airport, I remain cautiously pessimistic.

And then there is this story that came in yesterday from that little hottie Katherine in response to the ‘gay sex with Rob Thomas’ rumour. Hey isn’t Katie short for Katherine?

My good friend and acting coach’s best friend was a long time assistant to Katie Couric, and being on the set of the Today Show brought in a LOT of information that she of course had monetary and contractual incentive not to share, but anyway, now she doesn’t work for her, and she talks freely. According to her, Tom Cruise is a total homosexual slut, and the powers that be at the Scientology headquarters cover this up with relationships and whatnot in exchange for his unwavering loyalty to Scientology. ALSO, more substantial, is that John Travolta has the same deal with the Scientologists, that he’s a homosexual, they have photographic evidence, and his entire relationship with Kelly Preston is a Scientology related scam.”

Tom Cruise needs to make a movie every week, cause this page pretty much writes itself whenever he’s taken off his leash. He seems to get dumber by the minute….
Kirsten Dunst is a vampire By brendon June 29, 2005

It may or may not be illegal to kill people when they are as awful as Kirsten Dunst. I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer. But if it is, I’ll just roll up in court with this picture and when the judge says, “Why did you do it,” I’ll walk over to the jury with the picture behind my back and say, “Because your honor, Kirstin Dunst… was a Werewolf!” And I’ll whip the picture out and everyone will gasp, and the judge will say, “Don’t you mean Vampire?” And I’ll say, “Hey look man, whatever. She’s gone man! She’s all gone.”

Thanks to the beautiful and talented Sara for the link.

It may or may not be illegal to kill people when they are as awful as Kirsten Dunst. I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer. But if it is, I’ll…
Jessica Simpson is in GQ By brendon June 29, 2005

My awesome level of jingoism leads me to believe that this picture of Jessica Simpson with her long blond hair and stars and stripes bikini is quite possibly the greatest thing ever and for some reason re-convinces me that Black Hawk helicopters are effective diplomats and that nothing helps keep my gas prices low quite like a Tomahawk missile bearing down on a camel. It also reaffirms that Nick Lachey is on the clock, and has zero chance of holding on to this girl. But hold your head high Nick. Keep in mind, you’re Nick Lachey. You couldn’t even do a boy band right and you set your sights on Jessica Simpson. No one has over-reached like that since that time John Travolta came on to me while I was bartending in Santa Monica. Sorry dude, I liked Broken Arrow and all, but not enough that I’m gonna blow you.

My awesome level of jingoism leads me to believe that this picture of Jessica Simpson with her long blond hair and stars and stripes bikini is quite possibly the greatest…
Surprisingly, psychiatrists disagree with Tom Cruise By brendon June 28, 2005

From Yahoo News: “It is irresponsible for Mr. Cruise to use his movie publicity tour to promote his own ideological views and deter people with mental illness from getting the care they need,” APA President Dr. Steven Sharfstein said in a statement. “Rigorous, published, peer-reviewed research clearly demonstrates that treatment (of mental illness) works,” the APA statement said. “It is unfortunate that in the face of this remarkable scientific and clinical progress that a small number of individuals and groups persist in questioning its legitimacy.”

My grandmother once walked in on me while I was having relations with a cardboard Lisa Dergan cutout with a hole punched in a certain spot and a can of Crisco strapped to the back, but that wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as Tom Cruise and his endless insane rambling about stuff he knows nothing about. Just to recap, Tom Cruise feels that spending 140 an hour to talk to a licensed psychiatrist who spent 6 years to get a doctrine in a universally recognized science is a sham, but spending 500 an hour to talk with an easily tricked dupe who got their training from another easily tricked dupe is the path to salvation. I’m not sure how happy I am with the idea of the person in charge of my mental health going home to their studio apartment and warming Chef Boyardee still in the can on a hot plate for dinner. Of course, Scientology does have the endorsement of Kirstie Alley, who said, “It’s not hocus pocus … if you can erase engrams, then you get better.” Cause I’ll be honest, if there’s a secret to mental and physical health, Kirstie Alley seems to know it.

Note - that chart with the prices is from a Time Magazine cover story in 1991. So “auditing” cost 500 dollars an hour 15 years ago. According to my calculations … adjusted for inflation … factor in Scientology court costs … and their bail money … the new price per hour is a live human baby and your still beating heart.

From Yahoo News: “It is irresponsible for Mr. Cruise to use his movie publicity tour to promote his own ideological views and deter people with mental illness from getting the…
Is Angelina Jolie pregnant? By brendon June 28, 2005

I’ve been burned on stuff like this before, but I’m passing on this story from sexy reader Charlotte cause she says she’s an entertainment reporter in Cape Town, so I’m guessing she’s pretty hot, and when we have our steamy affair, she’ll insist I’m the best she’s ever had in that super sexy accent. She also included the words “swallow” and “tongue” in the email, and I’ll pretty much do whatever you say if you’re hot and throw around words drenched in sex like that. Here’s the report she says came in on the BANG Showbiz wire from the UK:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly expecting a child together. The beautiful actress, who has continually denied her high-profile fling with the handsome star after meeting on the set of ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith’ last year, is said to be three months pregnant. One source told America’s New York Post journalist Braden Keil over the weekend: “She’s just in her first trimester. Obviously, they’re keeping everything very quiet.”

Meanwhile, Jolie’s spokesperson has failed to return literally hundreds of phone calls and emails by reporters.

Last weekend, Brad was photographed playing ‘Dad’ to Angelina’s adopted son Maddox. The Hollywood heavyweight, whose desire to start a family was one of the reasons his marriage to Jennifer Aniston broke up, was seen in a cornfield near Jolie’s home, teaching the youngster to ride a motorbike. Despite the actress claiming in 2002 she preferred adopting when she and then-husband Billy Bob Thornton adopted her Cambodian son, now 3, friends say she would do anything for Brad. A source told America’s Star magazine: “Angelina is very giving. If she thinks it will make Brad happy she probably won’t hesitate.”

I couldn’t seem to find any conformation on this, and when I ran a search on “BANG Showbiz” I just started to giggle and couldn’t finish, so just treat this as a rumor, unless it’s true, in which case just melt down my gold medal for journalism and send me a check.

Update – as seductive temptress Kristin points out, Fox News has now commented on this same report, as has Page Six.

I’ve been burned on stuff like this before, but I’m passing on this story from sexy reader Charlotte cause she says she’s an entertainment reporter in Cape Town, so I’m…
Avril Lavigne is engaged By brendon June 28, 2005

From Yahoo News: “Us Weekly says the 20-year-old [Avril Lavigne] is engaged to marry Deryck Whibley, the frontman for the punk-pop group Sum 41. [She] began dating the 25-year-old musician in early 2004. They had been friends for several years before that, the magazine said.”

Here are some pictures that might show the engagement ring Deryck gave Avril. He better just hope she never snuggles up to me like this, or my sexy bedroom eyes will force her to kiss me and she’ll immediately notice how much I taste like intrigue and danger. She’ll also probably notice that I don’t have any dumb ass random letters in the spelling of my name. No pointless Y’s or T’s or pictures of elephants. And if she marries me, her last name wont be Whibley, which makes him sound like he should be running the orphanage that me and my diverse group of friends have to save by winning the breakdancing competition.

From Yahoo News: “Us Weekly says the 20-year-old [Avril Lavigne] is engaged to marry Deryck Whibley, the frontman for the punk-pop group Sum 41. [She] began dating the 25-year-old musician…
King Kong trailer is online By brendon June 27, 2005

The first trailer for Peter Jackson’s King Kong hit tonight and the best place to see it seems to be on Volkswagen.com. For some reason. But you can skip the ads and find the trailer right here. The film is due at Christmas and stars super F-able Naomi Watts, unfunny Hollywood funnyman Jack Black and Gargamel. He’ll get those Smurfs yet, ha-ha! Wait … no … holy crap, that’s Adrian Brody. Jesus Christ that guy is ugly. Anyway, the trailer looks pretty great, especially the anger on Kong’s face in the very last frame, but I don’t think it would have killed them to make sure the T-Rex didn’t look exactly like the ones from Jurassic Park. It’s not like anyone can say definitively what dinosaurs looked like, so Christ, give him some roller skates or something. Maybe make him real queer and swishy. We haven’t seen that before. Or maybe put a upside down bowl of spaghetti on his head and give him a shirt that says “I Hate Mondays!” ‘Cause that would be freakin’ adorable.

The first trailer for Peter Jackson’s King Kong hit tonight and the best place to see it seems to be on Volkswagen.com. For some reason. But you can skip the…
The Dukes of Hazzard movie will be released By brendon June 27, 2005

I met up with Jessica Simpson this weekend, we talked for a while … long story short, I banged her. While I was getting dressed and explaining the she needs to flush her eyes with water or that stuff will just keep burning like that, she mentioned the post we had Friday about the preliminary injunction against Warner Brothers that effectively shut down all movement, including the release of, the Dukes of Hazard movie. Jess rinsed out her mouth and explained that Warner Brothers quickly reached a deal with producer Robert C. Clark – reportedly in the form of a fat 5 million – and the movie will be released on August 5 as planned.

I met up with Jessica Simpson this weekend, we talked for a while … long story short, I banged her. While I was getting dressed and explaining the she needs…