Tori Spelling is a drunken tramp

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Another proud day for Tori Spelling, with her embarrassing drunken antics earning her separate stories in the New York Post and the New York Daily News. And in neither of those stories does she teach the world how to love or use daddies billions to donate ponies to orphans. Instead, the alleged female stumbled drunk through a couple of Kentucky Derby parties, casually losing huge diamond earrings and simulating oral on Usher. Apparently Usher never had a fantasy about a hummer from Admiral Ackbar, cause various reports claim he politely pulled away. Or maybe that was because Tori’s husband was 5 feet away, doing math in his head and wondering if the money was worth it.

Thank God I wasn’t there. I’m a well known Hollywood pleasure machine, and the competition between me and Usher might have caused some friction between our entourages. You’re supposed to stop me before I make an idiot of myself, you know.