Renee Zellweger is clear and bony. And married.

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“Oscar-winning actress Renee Zellweger and country music star Kenny Chesney were married Monday in a small ceremony on the Caribbean island of St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands.”

I like girls who are tan with red hair and covered in my semen, so I can’t say I’ve ever been a big Renee Zellweger fan. In fact, I can’t remember the last Renee Zellwegger movie I saw. It might have been that Texas Chainsaw sequel with Matthew McConaughey. I never saw Jerry Maguire for the same reason I don’t decorate my bedroom in lace and chiffon and take long lavender baths. I almost had to watch Bridget Jones, but before it started I had a panic attack and screamed in terror and removed most of my clothing until everyone agreed it was for the best that I just leave the theater. My point is, I remember her being clear and bony. And she looks a lot like a lemur, although I can’t explain how exactly. So I’m not sure a tropical beach wedding would have been my first choice, not when my bride constantly looks like she needs a blood transfusion. My Dr. Phil books say that I need to “get real” and that communication is the key to a good relationship, and these two seem off to a resounding start, since she wore a gown and he didn’t even wear shoes. But, hey, God bless em. I guess. I don’t know. Anyone know who the hell Kenny Chesney is, by they way.