Katie Holmes has more problems By brendon April 26, 2005

Katie Holmes used to be adorable. That was like ten minutes ago. I don’t know what the hell happened since then, but she’s falling apart faster than a nazi at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I have five medical degrees and I still can’t figure out what’s wrong with her lips, and those are downright lickable compared to her hobbit like feet. Oddly enough though, she just became my number one choice to be stranded on a desert island with. Her body is still great, so I would use her lip sores to chip away at her self esteem and trick her into deviant sex, and she could use those mutant feet to climb the high trees for food and ward off our natural enemies.

Credit to Star for the picture. And thanks to whoever sent the link in. They didn’t include a name, so I’ll just assume it’s Krista Allen who is totally in love with me but too shy to make the first move. (spins his chair around to look out the giant window, taps his fingers together, “Soon my pet … soon.”)

Katie Holmes used to be adorable. That was like ten minutes ago. I don’t know what the hell happened since then, but she’s falling apart faster than a nazi at…
Bai Ling cut from Revenge of the Sith By brendon April 26, 2005

Bai Ling, who was set to appear as Senator Bana Breemu in the upcoming “Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith,” has apparently been cut from the film. Ling … blamed her upcoming spread in Playboy magazine for her ouster. “I posed for Playboy and it may have been doing that which upset George Lucas…”

Bai Ling looks like a cartoon cricket, and she’s naked all the damn time, so I really don’t get why Playboy is such a stretch or a shock. It takes 5 seconds to find naked or mostly naked pictures of her online, so all this really did was prove once again that George Lucas is a greedy prick. He had no problem dressing Natalie Portman and Amy Allen in next to nothing, and Ling describes her Star Wars outfit as “naked with tattoos on my body,” so Playboy was only a big deal because someone other than Lucas was gonna make a dime off of Star Wars. God forbid.

Anyway, here are some pics of Grace Park from Battlestar Gallactica. It probably makes me a horrible racist to jump from one girl to another based on nothing but the fact they’re both Asian, but I’m kind of a dick, and Asian people totally love it when you lump them all together like this, so I don’t foresee a problem. Plus, Grace Park is unbelievably good looking, and I gotta start to make good on some of my casting couch promises.

Bai Ling, who was set to appear as Senator Bana Breemu in the upcoming “Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith,” has apparently been cut from the film. Ling…
Nicole Richie has a great body By brendon April 25, 2005

According to the latest issue of Star Magazine, Nicole Richie has the number one beach body in all of Hollywood. Others on the list include Elizabeth Hurley, Jessica Simpson and Kelly Ripa. Others on the list are also a hell of a lot hotter than Nicole Richie. Which means that either someone came and changed the definition of “body” while I was asleep or Star magazine has some pretty weird taste. Or maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t think that looking like a Civil War P.O.W. is all that hot.

According to the latest issue of Star Magazine, Nicole Richie has the number one beach body in all of Hollywood. Others on the list include Elizabeth Hurley, Jessica Simpson and…
Kelly Brook is getting married By brendon April 25, 2005

From British Glamour: Kelly Brook says she can’t wait to tie the knot with fiance Billy Zane and will even invite ex-boyfriend Jason Stratham along for the big day. “We are not getting married in this country,” the busty brunette tells the Daily Mirror. “It’ll be a small, private ceremony for our families and close friends in the Med somewhere, maybe Greece. We haven’t set a date yet.”

Kelly Brook and Billy Zane must have started dating about 5 minutes ago, cause this is the first I’ve heard of it. But even with that, it makes perfect sense that Zane is trying to rush her off to the alter. Anytime a dude is trying to get married to a girl right away, it’s not cause he’s giddy in love and his heart is filled with rainbows, it’s cause he knows that the girl is way out of his league and he can only keep tricking her for so long. Cops freak out if you keep girls in a well in your basement, so marriage is the next best trap. Kelly Brook may be no genius, but it’s going to dawn on her at some point that she’s one of the hottest pieces of ass on the planet and he’s a guy with so much charisma that no one has any idea who he is, even though he starred in the most popular movie the world has ever seen.

From British Glamour: Kelly Brook says she can’t wait to tie the knot with fiance Billy Zane and will even invite ex-boyfriend Jason Stratham along for the big day. “We…
Scarface is a video game By brendon April 25, 2005

Vivendi Universal Games has announced it has reached a deal with Al Pacino to reprise his legendary role as drugged-out coke dealer Tony Montana in a videogame version of Brian De Palmas knockout 1983 gangster flick, Scarface.

I don’t really play video games – I’d much rather be outside with a football. Or a girl. Or a football and a girl – but this one is probably gonna be a pretty big deal. Although mostly with rappers and aspiring school yard assassins, so anyone who buys it should be arrested immediately. Just thinking about this movie makes me long for old-timey crime, like when people were a master of disguise or they would spend a week to tunnel into a bank. Now they just storm into a convenience store at noon and execute everyone is sight. The old stuff seems kinda charming when you think about it.

Vivendi Universal Games has announced it has reached a deal with Al Pacino to reprise his legendary role as drugged-out coke dealer Tony Montana in a videogame version of Brian…
Johnny Knoxville is the daddy By brendon April 23, 2005

From the New York Post : “The buzz has been swirling for months that (Jessica) Simpson and (Johnny) Knoxville were having an on-set affair, but both stars have denied any talk of a tryst. But at least one eyewitness … at 40 Deuce in Los Angeles told PAGE SIX she saw Knoxville and Simpson stroking one another’s hands when the lights went down.”

The reason guys come to Hollywood is because dudes like Johnny Knoxville should be back in Tennessee wearin a coon skin cap and working on air conditioners, but instead he’s bangin away on Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan, based on a career where he gets punched in the nuts by a midget in a tiny panda suit. I can’t wait to be famous. God it’s gonna be great. Until then I’ll just stick with flashing my fake badge and pulling girls over.

And now I’m gonna make the site even more sexariffic and post some pics of the latest recipient of Knoxville’s penis.

From the New York Post : “The buzz has been swirling for months that (Jessica) Simpson and (Johnny) Knoxville were having an on-set affair, but both stars have denied any…
Quentin Tarantino directs CSI By brendon April 22, 2005

Finally some details from that Quentin Tarantino directed CSI series 5 finale, from CSIFiles.com :

“Main character Nick Stokes is kidnapped by someone with a grudge against CSI. (When) he wakes up, he’s trapped in a coffin with a loaded handgun and a tape recorder with a message telling him it’s best to kill himself, as he’s going to die anyway. There’s also a webcam in the coffin, which transmits an image back to the CSI lab, allowing his colleagues to see him slowly suffocate – but not providing any clues as to his whereabouts. ‘Grave Danger’ was written by CSI showrunner Carol Mendelsohn, CSI creator Anthony Zuiker, and executive producer Naren Shankar, based on a story by Quentin Tarantino. The episode will air Wednesday the 19th of May.”

I’m not sure what Hong Kong movie this plot is ripped off from, but Quentin is involved so I’m confident it’s one of them. Also not sure how he’s gonna fit a kung fu master and ninja sword fight into that coffin. I can only assume he’ll do it through flash backs. That’s probably when he’ll abuse his power, cast himself and make out with a super hot Asian chick who’s way out of his league too. No word yet on if she gets hazard pay for that.

Finally some details from that Quentin Tarantino directed CSI series 5 finale, from CSIFiles.com : “Main character Nick Stokes is kidnapped by someone with a grudge against CSI. (When) he…
Brandon Routh is Superman By brendon April 22, 2005

Hey, Bryan Singer, any chance you could ratchet back the gayness a tad on the new Superman. That would really be great. I realize this is in line with the “classic” look, but that came about when action movies hadn’t really advanced past the ‘bonk’. Superman should look like he’s about to kick ass, not strip at a secretary’s birthday party. I don’t really know what he should be wearing instead, but if I were in a burning building and someone showed up in this, even if they flew in carrying a fire truck, it would still take me a minute to know if I was being rescued or seduced. God forbid he had to carry me somewhere dressed like this. I’d be there in his arms, my body completely rigid, straight as a board, trying not to make eye contact and making awkward conversation. “So, umm, you think the Saints might finally draft a corner this year.”

Click here for a super high-res thanks to BrandRouth.com

Hey, Bryan Singer, any chance you could ratchet back the gayness a tad on the new Superman. That would really be great. I realize this is in line with the…
Kirsten Dunst is really freakin ugly By brendon April 21, 2005

If I had to choose between slamming my penis into Kristen Dunst or slamming my penis in a car door, I would at least request that car be American. Then maybe my penis could get buried in a national cemetery. And soldiers would hand me a folded flag while I cried at its funeral. I would miss my penis, we’ve had a lot of good times together, but I would respect its sacrifice. It would be the Pat Tillman of penis. I like to think it would never take the cowards way out and go east-west in that pale brittle troll, even for a minute. And I’m pretty sure I’d rather get a hand job from those hooded things in Lord of the Rings than that nicotine stained talon she’s got.

Oh, and another smoking picture to illustrate her arrogance/stupidity, cause this time she’s at a lung cancer event, The Louis Vuitton United Cancer Front Gala. I think Ward sent this one in. Notice how sexy role model Kate Bosworth is desperately pretending to not totally be into me. Kate’s the one who doesn’t look like she got dressed during a hurricane.

If I had to choose between slamming my penis into Kristen Dunst or slamming my penis in a car door, I would at least request that car be American. Then…
Britney Spears is fabulous By brendon April 21, 2005

From VH1 : “‘The Fabulous Life of Britney and Kevin’ … debuts Monday and will show how they blow their money on everything from champagne to private planes. VH1 says, ‘With a net worth of $32 million, Britney’s the world’s hottest sugar mama. But that hasn’t stopped Kevin from racking up his own riches. In 2004, he banked $2.3 million from the sale of their wedding photos. And make no mistake: Kevin wears the pants in this family.’ A friend says, ‘Even though Britney is pregnant, Kevin smokes cigarettes right in her face. The baby’s gonna be born with a 3 pack a day habit.’”

The cancer filled lungs is gonna be the least of this kids problems, since there’s a 98 percent chance of him coming out with horns and a split tongue. Of course that might make him some sort of unkillable demon, but I guess there’s only one way to find out. You know what’s more hateable and completely punchable than Kevin Federline? Yeah, me neither. And it’s why every day I get closer to tatting ‘love’ and ‘hate’ on my knuckles and lifting weights while crying with a billion pictures of him on my walls.

Note - It was insufferable enough when I thought Britney was the one who sold her wedding pictures for $2.3 million, but to know that Kevin was the one who did it really is too much to take. This jackass has the grace, dignity and style of Gary Oldman in True Romance, and yet he’s 2.3 million dollars richer than me because of his master plan to whore out pictures of his bride. I gotta go lift some weights. Cause it aint white boy day. (props to anyone who got that last line.)

Thanks to Sara for the link.

From VH1 : “‘The Fabulous Life of Britney and Kevin’ … debuts Monday and will show how they blow their money on everything from champagne to private planes. VH1 says,…