Charlie Sheen’s not getting any closer to patching things up with wife Denise Richards. Reports have her banning him from their Malibu home and even from the delivery room when their second child arrives, probably in June. According to the New York Daily News, the reason for the spilt is that Sheen recently attended a party where the entree was whores. Not to be confused with my parties, where the entree is danger.
Based solely on history, conjecture and the expression of my dog while she eats my shoe, I’m gonna blame Charlie for all of this. Denise Richards has always seemed kinda perfect in a Madonna-whore complex kinda way, in that ‘pretty girl with low self esteem’ kinda way, like she would do anything – anything – for the guy she’s with. Girls like that will put up with a lot and Sheen still managed to F it up. Girls like that write magazines with questions like, “my boyfriend likes to set me on fire, should I break up with him or just get some fireproof clothes.” It’s not easy to drive off a girl like that. You have to wake up first thing in the morning and brainstorm about ways to push her away. And that’s kinda what I picture. Charlie’s dumb ass, his clumsy brow furrowed like a caveman smacking a rock with a stick. Cause, keep in mind, it’s Denise Richards.