Denise Richards is available

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Denise Richards has to be the greatest catch in the world right now. Like getting a dog from the pound. You can be the best thing that ever happened to her, and it aint even gonna take that much. I can’t say I’m thrilled about raising Charlie Sheens kids though. I’m hoping to sell at least one of them, probably the one on the way, cause, you know, how attached can Denise really be. And it’s Swiss boarding school for the other one. And please understand, I only have the best interest of the kids at heart. I plan on bangin their mom at least 20 hours a day, and no kid should see their mom defiled like my plan of attack calls for. She may have to get used to doing housework and cooking me breakfast while I’m having sex with her, but, c’mon, what new relationship doesn’t have an adjustment period?

Images removed per request.

And for all the ladies wondering why we took so long to write the Denise Richards divorces Charlie Sheen story … (places index finger on your lips) … shhhhhh!… don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, baby.