I swear to God this is the last Britney story this week. I actually thought we already put this up, but I guess not. It’s really just quotes from the interview in the current Details with Kevin Federline and Britney. Nothing makes me happier than to see poser idiots act like tough guys. Kevin here seems to thinks he’s the Scarface of backup dancers. Any ten year old from Compton armed with a pillow could beat his ass, but I’m sure he’s the toughest guy buying black eyeliner at the Ralph’s in Malibu. Anyway, these are just random quotes, in no real order and I promise, I didn’t change a word to make fun of them. I really didn’t have to.
On life before Britney :
Details : What were you doing in Fresno?
Kevin : Nothing. Shit, I was delivering pizza and up to no good.
Details : Define “up to no good”.
Kevin : Oh man. We won’t go there. We definitely won’t go there. Use your imagination. I just needed to get out of town… to get out of the situations I was in. So when I was a teenager, I started dancing for this nonprofit organization called Dance Empowerment. It helped get kids off the street.
(When Kevin says “up to no good” he must mean watching Breakin 2 : Electric Boogaloo a million times, cause there’s no way in hell Kevin’s dumb ass dancing helps get kids off the street, unless it was for them to come inside, beat the shit out of him and take his wallet.)
On the first meeting :
Kevin : A bunch of us (dancers) went out one time in a big group. That was when she was starting to get big. She was, like, what, 18? I was like, 22. So I wasn’t even thinking about her like that, you know what I’m saying. Shit, a few years down the road, and a couple tours later, I wound up meeting her ass again, and here we are.
Details : You didn’t find her a little hot?
Kevin : No, I wasn’t even really in that mind frame. I just got out of a long relationship, and I felt free for the first time. I was making money — legally. I was doing my part, you know, supporting my ass.
(Ooohh, so mysterious, so tough, he cant even talk about how dangerous he was it was so bad! Kevin doesn’t seem to understand – much of anything really – but also that being the toughest dancer is like being the toughest guy at the opera. Dancers are pretty much only bad-asses in Michael Jackson videos from the 80’s.)
On Kevin’s son :
Details : People made a big deal about you hooking up with Britney while (then girlfriend) Shar was pregnant. Was that hard to swallow?
Kevin : Um, not really, because I know the truth. They can say I’m a bad father. They can say I cheated. They can say whatever. But I know, and that’s all that matters. If my daughter was her right now, you’d be able to tell from the look on her face that I’m the best damn dad in the world.
(Note that Kevin doesn’t seem to think that leaving his pregnant girlfriend for Britney constitutes cheating. And that he said it’s not hard to swallow. *giggle*)
On handling the press :
Britney : Nothing gets to him … Not my man. And that’s why I married him, because he’s not a shallow motherfucker Hollywood actor-guy.
Kevin : Yeah, baby!
Britney : I’ve met grown men in this business that are a lot older than Kevin and they think I’m this dumb blonde, because I’m quote-Britney Spears-unquote. Men in Hollywood are just — oh, my God, it’s horrible.
(my hope is that she does that quote thing with her fingers in the air when she says ‘quote-unquote’. Cause it’s a lot easier to aim when my target flattens themselves out.)
On Britneys money :
Details : People think Kevin is with you for your money.
Kevin : Oh, yeah.
Britney : Well, time will tell, motherchuckers, you know what I mean. We’re going to be together forever…
Kevin : What you hear about in all those bullshit-ass magazines is bullshit. Look, my shit stinks just like everyone else. I think the best thing I’ll ever have going for me is that I’m me, you know what I mean? All the bullshit – about cheating, or my relationship with my kids – doesn’t get to me. You know, fuck, Britney and I have been through a lot of shit.
(Just for the record, if you’re of those people who have to say ‘you know what I mean’ all the time, no one knows what the hell you mean. And no, ‘motherchuckers’ not a misprint. Britney is just an idiot.)
On Britneys maternal instincts :
Details : How’s Britney with your kids?
Kevin : She’s fuckin awesome…
(Anyone believe for an instant that these two are smart enough to curb the more biting profanity in front of the kid. Yeah, me either.)
On fashion :
Details : Have you always been into fashion?
Kevin : Into it, yes. But not always dressed in it, you know. So now is the time to do both. I’ve got a lot of good ideas about fashion that I want to put out there… I’m sure its gonna be fuckin great. I want to do some cool casual stuff, like jeans and t-shirts and sweat suits.
(My God … sweat suits with a hip-hop twist. That is a good idea! Wow, this guy is gonna be rich! Sorry everybody, but the line starts behind me!)
On the future :
Details : Why did you need a change?
Kevin : I was fucking out partying all the time. You know, when I came to LA, it was, like, nonstop. When you’re on tour as a dancer it’s a nonstop fucking party.
Britney : I don’t see how my dancers do it. Touring is really tough on them, but its super hard on the artist. When I have kids – I think Celine Dion, the way she does it, with her show in Vegas, is the way to go. Everybody comes to her. When I have kids, I’m so there. That’s what I’m doing, “come to me, motherfuckers.”
(Did Britney just refer to herself as “the artist”?)