Mischa Barton still can’t dress By brendon March 31, 2005

Mischa Barton’s fashion choices are just getting to be ridiculous. What in God’s name is this? The suit’s ugly to begin with, but … are those bells? You don’t really need bells in the water unless you’re bait for a monster and you need the guys on the boat to know you’re being attacked. So all they really do is accentuate her hips, which isn’t the greatest idea in the world if you’re Mischa Barton. She’s adorable from the neck up, but her body isn’t exactly Hollywood perfect. Probably be good for a pioneer or something. Her double wide hips would make birthin her young’ns a snap and her lack of any breasts would make it easier to chop firewood and fight off wily Indian savages. But lounging around a Hollywood pool? I don’t know man. I don’t know.

Mischa Barton’s fashion choices are just getting to be ridiculous. What in God’s name is this? The suit’s ugly to begin with, but … are those bells? You don’t really…
Heidi Klum gets fired By brendon March 31, 2005

“Supermodel Heidi Klum has lost a lucrative deal with a German fashion house following her recent announcement she’s pregnant with her second child.”

I’ve never really understood how Seal managed to get Heidi Klum on her back. She’s still pretty much getting it done at age 31, and he still pretty much looks like something out of Star Trek. Argue if you want about his music, but he’s not a handsome man. This kid on the way better cross his fingers cause he’s about to enter into a hell of a lottery. Things go right and he’s tall and tan with perfect cheek bones. Things go wrong and he comes out with hooves.

I still can’t … guh … this really is the most perplexing couple on the planet. Something’s just not right about this. There’s monkey business going down here. I’m telling you, monkey business.

“Supermodel Heidi Klum has lost a lucrative deal with a German fashion house following her recent announcement she’s pregnant with her second child.” I’ve never really understood how Seal managed…
Backstreet Boys are back, yo By brendon March 30, 2005

If there’s one thing I know about trends in music, it’s that they last forever. Taste never ever changes. And I can tell by the ladies when I walk down the street in my skin tight Jordache jeans and rising sun T-shirt. And it’s why the new Backstreet Boys tour is such a solid idea. They’ve still got devoted freaks fans who do stuff like this. The first girl looks exactly as I would have guessed. Luckily the tour didn’t conflict with her Wicca ceremonies or shift at the Fashion Bug. I’ve never met the second girl, who looks relatively normal, but I promise you she’s 10 shades of crazy. And isn’t it great that Nick Carter can pretend to be a completely thankless jackass while taking pictures with the last few people on earth who give a fuck about him. What a great guy!

If there’s one thing I know about trends in music, it’s that they last forever. Taste never ever changes. And I can tell by the ladies when I walk down…
Hilary Duff learns to surf By brendon March 30, 2005

Hilary Duff pretty much has a normal human body, but even that is freakin me out a little. If you’re rich and famous and rich you owe it to me – me personally – to get alarmingly huge implants and only eat cigarettes and coffee till your unhealthily skinny. I’ll write a bitchy piece of shit about you then too, but at least I’ll be masturbating while I do it.

I suppose it is kinda cute that she would try to learn to surf, knowing full well that every awkward thing she does is documented by those guys hiding in the trees. But I only say that cause Hilary has always seemed nice enough – she seemed cute when she got Punk’d – so she gets the benefit of the doubt. If it were the record breakingly punchable Kirsten Dunst, I would ask you to hold on a minute and then an hour later there would be breaking news about the maiming of Kirsten Dunst. And then the world would elect me its king and there would be 7 days of bread and circuses. (oohh, someone’s got a history degree!)

Hilary Duff pretty much has a normal human body, but even that is freakin me out a little. If you’re rich and famous and rich you owe it to me…
Jennifer Lopez has disgusting problems By brendon March 29, 2005

They don’t just hand out websites, you know. It’s an awesome responsibility, especially to an award winning* journalist such as myself. So in keeping with that, here’s an completely unconfirmed story from an anonymous e-mail. Sources simply don’t come more rock solid and above reproach than that.

“In honor of another (sad) season of Project Greenlight, I thought I’d share an old Bennifer story with you, probably one you haven’t heard before.

When you work in TV Field Production (as I do) you encounter many interesting crew guys with many interesting stories. This year at the Sundance Film Festival, we had just wrapped an interview with David Schwimmer where he told a funny story about Sly Stallone leaving his wireless mic on while being ‘attended to’ in a bathroom on set, and the evil sound mixer who turned up his volume for all to hear.

Once Schwimmer was gone our gentle Utah Local Audio guy, turned to us sheepishly and said, “Man, Schwimmer’s story is nothing, I’ve heard way worse in my headphones on set.”

The room went Silent. Our Sound Guy is one of those soft sincere dads who works in TV in a small town and is more impressed with his daughter’s report card than a Hollywood star, so we were SHOCKED to hear what came out of his mouth next…

“Remember a few years ago when Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were here shooting Project Greenlight?” (They had gone to Sundance to interview directors and writers and try and create a publicity stunt and an episode out of it.) “I was doing sound in the condo where they were both lodging and filming. At one point Ben took a break from shooting and disappeared upstairs to his bedroom. By mistake he left his wireless mic on.”

“Jennifer Lopez was there with Ben, but was hiding out in his room the whole time. At first when I heard Ben kissing her hello, I immediately went to turn the volume down on my headphones. But then they started kissing loudly and making noises, and I felt so guilty, but I left the sound up, and heard Jennifer saying ‘I love you baby, I love you… You wanna get busy, baby. You wanna get busy?’”

“Then I heard Ben reply, .’Are you sure you’re feelin’ better? I don’t want you to shit on me again.’”

Silence. Then screams from everyone on our crew. Our dear sound guy seemed like he had finally told a story he’d been holding onto for years, and was relieved to tell people who found it more funny than disgusting. I think it is perfectly both.”

Mmmmmm, is there anything hotter than a condescending flat chested fat girl with bowel control problems. Rowwrrr, gotta get me some of that!

*Contestant, Boy Scout Box Car Derby, 1988

They don’t just hand out websites, you know. It’s an awesome responsibility, especially to an award winning* journalist such as myself. So in keeping with that, here’s an completely unconfirmed…
The third Four is up By brendon March 29, 2005

The double secret trailer for Fantastic Four, which previously was only seen at this year’s ShowWest event, finally hit the official site yesterday. But since the odds of anyone actually finding it and getting it to work are pretty damn random, I’ll spare you their cutesy tricks and directly link to it right here. I’m not sure if this one is any better or worse than the first two. It’s longer, and the ladies seem to like that, but it doesn’t have that cool Perfect Circle song, so that sucks. But it does have a very nice ‘flame up’ shot and the Thing growling out “It’s clobberin time,” which sent the nerds at ShoWest into a joyous rapture I didn’t quite share.

Chris Evans – who plays Johnny Storm – seems pretty damn cool, one of the more likable new actors. And the dude does his sit-ups, so you have to give him props for that. Jessica Alba looks pretty damn great here too, but I would have loved to have seen number two choice Rachel McAdams in the role. Of course my unhealthy crush on her is well documented.

And on a related update post thing, Thomas Haden Church is all but officially cast as Sandman in Spider Man 3, as correctly predicted right here last week with the eerie foresight that my blood of a black cat ceremony always provides.

The double secret trailer for Fantastic Four, which previously was only seen at this year’s ShowWest event, finally hit the official site yesterday. But since the odds of anyone actually…
Jennifer Aniston files for divorce By brendon March 26, 2005

The on-again, off-again marriage of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston appears to be resoundingly off-again, as Aniston filed for divorce late Friday afternoon.

It seems that Brad Pitt finally realized that he’s Brad Pitt and he was married to a girl who used to be in an unwatchable sitcom sometime in the last eight months while filming Mr. And Mrs. Smith and spending all day writhing up against Angelina Jolie, arguably the world’s most astoundingly beautiful woman, and a girl well known for her gold medal winning positions on one night stands and deviant sex. I can’t think of any guy strong enough to resist that. There might have been one in the Bible.

Jennifer Aniston has always seemed nice enough, I’ve never heard any horror stories about her, but I can’t imagine ever going to see one of her movies. Unless she would agree to bring to life my script for “Ass Disaster 2 : The Reckoning”. She’s also pretty average looking. She’s not “Kirsten Dunst ugly”, as the saying goes, but, to reiterate, it’s Angelina Jolie.

Decent little summary of the whole Brad-Jen-Angelina thing here, courtesy of Star.

The on-again, off-again marriage of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston appears to be resoundingly off-again, as Aniston filed for divorce late Friday afternoon. It seems that Brad Pitt finally realized…
Charlie Sheen loves whores. Allegedly. By brendon March 24, 2005

“The bleached and surgically enhanced Chloe Jones claims (Sheen) recently paid her more than $15,000 for sex and even asked the former porn star and prostitute to marry him.”

I’ve never been to a prostitute (in this country) but if I had, I’m almost positive I wouldn’t ask for the girls hand in marriage as she wipes the Astroglide off her thighs and counts her money. But I’ve always been charmingly old fashioned that way. Sheen vehemently denies the story, but his past makes it seem more than a little plausible. And Denise Richards is pretty pissed off about something.

This is Chloe Jones, by they way. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. Oh, and if you take money for sex, doesn’t that make you a ‘current prostitute’. As opposed to a ‘former prostitute’. I’m just asking so I know what to put on my tax form.

“The bleached and surgically enhanced Chloe Jones claims (Sheen) recently paid her more than $15,000 for sex and even asked the former porn star and prostitute to marry him.” I’ve…
Brad Pitt interviews Ashton Kutcher By brendon March 24, 2005

I don’t know what Interview magazine is but I’m assuming it’s about monster truck parts. You can probably order some kick ass lift kits and naked lady mud flaps. And Brad Pitt must have thought that too cause he agreed to work for them and interview Ashton Kutcher. Here’s a glimpse into what the two most squealed over guys on the planet talked about:

Pitt : Are you wearing underwear?
Kutcher : Am I? Today, yes. Yesterday, you would have caught me on an off day.
Pitt : Dude, you’re hot.
Kutcher : Well, there you go.
Pitt : What about the press? They’ve already said you’re stupid. Have they said you’re gay yet?
Kutcher : I don’t know if I’ve gotten gay yet.
Pitt : Oh really? You’ll get there.

All this and a fold out Bigfoot poster in the April issue of Interview.

update – more on the interview in today’s New York Post.

I don’t know what Interview magazine is but I’m assuming it’s about monster truck parts. You can probably order some kick ass lift kits and naked lady mud flaps. And…
Kevin Federline is punchable By brendon March 24, 2005

I’m pretty sure Kevin Federline fancies himself as some kind of real life Tyler Durden, which is why he dresses like this and likes to imagine he had some rough and tumble past. So just picture the Star Wars Kid pretending to be Darth Maul and know that Kevin does the same thing with “I want you to hit me as hard as you can.” All this actually works out great for me since I desperately want to beat his ass. I think I’ll go down to the Colony in Malibu or Michael Landon State Park and wait for him. He’ll either curl up in a puddle of his urine or actually fight me, either way I win. Little does he know that I lettered in Ultimate Fighting in high school. That and ‘Lovemaking’. Drop me a line, ladies!

thanks to Suzie for the link

I’m pretty sure Kevin Federline fancies himself as some kind of real life Tyler Durden, which is why he dresses like this and likes to imagine he had some rough…