I haven’t had drunken deviant sex with Kate Bosworth in a couple of weeks, but I really don’t remember her being this thin. There’s a big difference between “healthy” thin and “trapped behind barbed wire for six months” thin, and Kate really seems to be headed towards that second one. I hope this isn’t my fault in some way. I don’t know man, maybe I shouldn’t have made those piggy sounds during dinner whenever she took a bite. Maybe I shouldn’t have coughed “fat ass” when the waiter asked about dessert. Maybe I shouldn’t have yelled “you knew what this was…” and sped away when I dropped her off the next morning. Maybe the way I treated her somehow led to this. Maybe I really need to look at the way I act towards … wait … what’s that you say Pop-Up Ad? Horny singles in my area want to have sex? With me? Tonight? Aww, man, I gotta get outa here!
This doesn’t really seem as funny after that Lohan story above, so, you know what Fergie, just wait a week or two and the STD’s should work their magic. But if it’s vengeance you crave, and you expect some bloodshed, I would wear gloves. In fact I would wear them anyway. Fuck, I’m wearing gloves just talking about Paris Hilton.
“O.J. Simpson has nothing on me,” Michael Lohan allegedly told the family’s security guard last year. “I know exactly how I’m going to kill (them). I know when I’m going to do it, and I’m going to enjoy it.”
Uhhh, I’d kinda like to distance myself from the comments below, where I sort of portray Lindsay Lohans dad as some lovable drunken tramp. Like Barney Gumble with a super hot daughter. But, uh, according to this, he’s not. He’s out of his God damn mind. There’s a difference between me making fun of her and this prick doing what he’s doing. And that difference is an 8 inch blade to the throat. But the real victim here is me, because I was very comfortable not liking Lindsay. Now I kinda feel bad for her. Seriously, if anyone sees this guy on the street, you have my blessing to go Bud White on his sorry ass. Tell him justice sent you.
“KORN has parted ways with guitarist Brian ‘Head’ Welch, who has chosen Jesus Christ as his savior, and will be dedicating his musical pursuits to that end,” read a statement posted this week on the band’s Web site.
If Head devoting his life to religion leads to the end of Korn, I’m actually ok with that. And that would have been unthinkable just two years ago, because I fuckin loved Korn. But this would be a mercy killing. They were so great for so long and then they hit the wall harder than Princess Di. To go from songs like ‘ADIDAS’, ‘Clown’ and ‘Twist’ to a cover of ‘Word Up’ is just embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as how unfunny I made this post. Almost.
“Ashlee Simpson is Amazing she is so cool and she writes her own music, (wich by the way is awsome) … Ashlee keep rockin and ignore the stupid haters who are just bent up on dissing you because they have such miserable lives of their own.”
I’m actually a little scared to write anything critical here, because anyone who types the ‘g’ at the end of ‘dissing’ has gotta be one bad brotha. But I’m really not clear on what the hell it is they’re trying to petition. What do they expect to happen? If I didn’t listen to that 12 year old when he yelled out, “hey mister, that’s my dog, give him back”, I’m sure as hell not gonna let them tell me what kind of music to like.
Whatever it is they hope to accomplish, they’re off to a pretty bad start because everyone who signed it so far either hates her, wants to kill her or wants to fuck her. Often times, in that order. Or worse, they actually do like her. Those are the ones who spell words with numbers. The ones who think sentences having a subject and a predicate is more of a suggestion than a rule. And when I run a spell check on the stuff they’ve written, the back of my computer starts to smoke. That’s quite a fan base you’ve carved out there Ashlee.
I met Lindsay Lohan once, years ago, when the Parent Trap held their press junket at the hotel I worked for. She was a little bitch then too. The temptation to smack her around was just about overwhelming, but the Ritz-Carlton has a strict rule about staff beating up ten-year old girls. I’m pretty sure they hadn’t met Lindsay when they made that. People laugh because her dad is drunk all the time, but considering the way his daughter acts, that actually seems pretty reasonable.
I’m not trying to pretend this TRL award means anything – unless the prize is penicillin and dignity – which is exactly why she should have stepped back. Ostensibly this was a music award, and she beat Missy Elliot. She has one crappy god-damn song and she beat Missy Elliot. Does that make sense to anyone?
I’m just not on board with the whole Lindsay Lohan thing. Which is completely inexplicable because I’m a big fan of girls with red hair in general, and drunken whores with red hair and huge racks in particular, but there’s something about Lindsay that bothers me. It might help if she stopped with the spray-on tan, cause that just makes her look like a damn oompa-loompa, and that’s really not the turn on someone tricked her into thinking it is.
I have to admit that the twin brother is an unexpected setback to Scarlet Johansson and I consummating our love. I’ve dumped women for a hell of a lot less than looking like their brother. I don’t need those confusing images in my head every time we have sex in the shower and she pulls her hair back. He may have to be … you know … “dealt with” before our blessed union.
Oh, and, Scarlett, honey, if putting on 20 pounds was part of your plan to keep my affections at bay… uh, it’s working. Even in a baggy shirt, in a picture taken a hundred yards away, I can see your stomach. You saying “are you gonna finish that” every ten minutes has never been part of my fantasy.
I know that if I’m ever gonna fit in with the cool kids, I’m supposed to snort condescendingly and say “sk8tr boi” any time Avril Lavigne comes up, but Jesus Christ she looks good with the blond hair. Even just walking around – in pictures that aren’t great – she looks hot. But since the subjectivity of beauty makes it impossible to definitively determine who is attractive and who is not, if anyone out there has an honest disagreement about Avril’s new look – well fuck you man. I hate you. I hope you die.
You may think that since the pictures below are of Kirsten Dunst giving money to a homeless man in a wheelchair, surely I could set aside the seething contempt I have for her, at least for one post. But you’d be wrong, since the cheap bitch gives the man a dollar. One dollar. I tip the inbred at Starbucks more than that and all he does is say, “my bad, you wanted soy?” Just for the record, Kirsten’s asking price is 6 million a film and she makes 3 movies a year on average. She’s clearly not throwing money away on fancy makeup and her outfit here from the Fashion Bug couldn’t have cost more than twenty dollars, but it seems there’s still not enough wiggle room in the budget to spare a five for the hungry paraplegic. God I hate her. Seriously, she’s disgusting. If I had to choose between the best sex of my life with Kirsten Dunst or jacking off in front of my parents … lets just say I hope that never comes up.
When I go to the grade schools and speak to the young people of today, I’m often asked, “how do you do it,” “what’s your secret,” and “how do you score all the hot chicks?” To which I reply, “C’mon you guys, leave me alone.” Because I’m the janitor.
And while that has nothing to do with Bono being up for the Nobel Peace Prize, seriously, what am I supposed to say about Bono and the Nobel Peace Prize. The idea is clearly retarded. A billionaire holding a press conference to talk about poor countries not paying back money they owe hardly seems like the kind of dirty work you should have to do to win the Nobel Prize. Based on a bunch of stuff I made up, he wouldn’t be nearly so magnanimous if it was his money not getting paid back. All I know is, if Bono does win the Nobel Peace Prize, I’m totally giving mine back as a protest. But not the coupon book that came with it. (suck on that, Sweden!)