Miley Cyrus Is Naked For V By todd August 29, 2014
Miley Cyrus Is Naked For V

 

To raise awareness for teen homelessness, Miley Cyrus is naked in the upcoming issue of V Magazine. No, sorry. That’s incorrect. She’s not naked for that reason. She’s naked for another reason. Unclear what that reason might be, because she’s unattractive.

 

Miley Cyrus V Magazine

  To raise awareness for teen homelessness, Miley Cyrus is naked in the upcoming issue of V Magazine. No, sorry. That’s incorrect. She’s not naked for that reason. She’s naked…

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Miley Cyrus’ Not Really Homeless Friend Turned Himself In By todd August 29, 2014
Miley Cyrus’ Not Really Homeless Friend Turned Himself In

 

Jesse Helt, the not homeless guy who accepted Miley Cyrus’ award at last weekend’s MTV VMAs, was discovered to have ourstanding warrants in Oregon. He doesn’t anymore.

Jesse Helt, 22, who delivered an impassioned speech about surviving in shelters and being “an extra in your life” while accepting Cryus’ award at the star-studded show on Aug. 24, walked into Polk County Jail in Dallas, Oregon, with an attorney just before 8 p.m., and was released at around 8:50 p.m. after paying $2,500 bond on a $25,000 bail, a jail official told NBC News. Helt was wanted for violating the terms of his probation in Oregon. He was put on probation after serving a brief jail stint for a drug-related burglary attempt in 2010, and then failing to report to a probation officer, officials said.

Jesse Helt was homeless because he moved to LA to become a model, but didn’t want to bartend or wait tables like everybody else who lives in LA, so please remember how this all started. So I think he pretty much blew his chance, because in 2014, you can get a modeling contract solely based on your mugshot. Why can Polk County have a Bearcat, but not a camera with a higher pixelation?  Where is the passion? Where is the steely gaze? To be honest, he wasn’t bringing it.

  Jesse Helt, the not homeless guy who accepted Miley Cyrus’ award at last weekend’s MTV VMAs, was discovered to have ourstanding warrants in Oregon. He doesn’t anymore. Jesse Helt,…

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Britney Spears’ Boyfriend Cheated On Her By todd August 29, 2014
Britney Spears’ Boyfriend Cheated On Her

 

Womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer hand sanitizer baby.

Britney Spears just dumped her boyfriend of 18 months … after finding out there’s a video of him cheating on her that’s being shopped around Hollywood. We’re told David Lucado is seen in the video making out with a woman and dancing with her. It looks like they’re in someone’s living room. We’re told the video was shot in early August. When we called Lucado … a rep told us, “David is very, very in love with Britney. This is unfortunate and he hopes that it all works out.” Well, it didn’t. We called Britney’s camp for comment, and we were told her father Jamie wanted to say something about it, but wanted to tell Britney first. It appears as soon he told her … she broke up with David. She just tweeted, “Ahhhh the single life!”

I realize most of my time on this site has been spent making fun of Britney Spears, but damn. Poor thing. She can’t really sing, she really only has one good song (if you don’t like “Toxic” you’re lying to yourself and all those around you), she’s kinda mentally slow, she let Kevin Federline blow in her twice, she shaved her head and attacked a car with an umbrella because she more than likely has some undiagnosed psychosis, her life is completely controlled by her father like she’s a Duggar, but she’s still here with legions of fans and a bank account that would make Joel Olsteen rock hard. Now she has to suffer yet another public humiliation, because some dude named David doesn’t understand the concept of discretion.  So, here’s to ya, Britney. I apologize for being mean to you all those years. Keep doing whatever it is you’re doing in this video. I really don’t know what you’re talking about in it, but that’s okay.

 

 

  Womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer hand sanitizer baby. Britney Spears just dumped her boyfriend of 18 months … after finding out there’s a video of him cheating on her that’s…

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The “Shake It Off” Video Outtakes Are A PSA By todd August 29, 2014
The “Shake It Off” Video Outtakes Are A PSA

 

Taylor Swift dropped her video for “Shake It Off” at the height of the unrest in Ferguson, making many people absurdly claim that it was “inherently offensive and ultimately harmful” without even watching the damn thing. They should have saved their outrage for the outtakes, because it’s about 3 mins of a beautiful, blonde, rich, famous, and skinny white girl detailing her struggles with fitting in. The location of the candlelight vigil hasn’t been determined at this time.

 

  Taylor Swift dropped her video for “Shake It Off” at the height of the unrest in Ferguson, making many people absurdly claim that it was “inherently offensive and ultimately…

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Anastasia Ashley Is Here For You By todd August 29, 2014
Anastasia Ashley Is Here For You

 

I’ve subjected you to Roger Goodell and his tone deaf response to domestic violence long enough, so here’s Anastasia Ashley and her perfect self to help your struggle until I post some other stuff, because I care you, the reader. Keep in mind, this is the second consecutive  photo of Anastasia that I’ve posted where I don’t draw specific attention to her equally perfect ass. I don’t know. I feel like I’m growing as a person. Anyway, I hope your Friday goes well. I’m off to live out an imaginary scenario where Anastasia and I go to Panera Bread before we go pick up our first rescue kitten.

  I’ve subjected you to Roger Goodell and his tone deaf response to domestic violence long enough, so here’s Anastasia Ashley and her perfect self to help your struggle until…

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If You’re In The NFL, You Can Only Beat Your Wife Once Now, Maybe Twice By todd August 28, 2014
If You’re In The NFL, You Can Only Beat Your Wife Once Now, Maybe Twice

 

If you’re in the NFL and smoke weed twice, you get suspended for a year. If you’re in the NFL and  drag your wife out of an elevator by the neck after you knock her unconscious, you get suspended for two games. But that’s okay, because television journalists will let everybody know that maybe that bitch deserved it. Those sound like totally acceptable punishments for those crimes, correct? No? I didn’t think so either. So today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced new disciplinary measures for all NFL employees involved in domestic violence incidents.

In light of the situation involving Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice and subsequent outrage over his two-game suspension, the NFL has announced a much stronger policy for domestic violence and sexual assault. According to Jane McManus of ESPNNewYork.com, citing a letter sent to all 32 NFL owners, offenders will receive a six-game suspension for the first offense and lifetime banishment for the second offense.

With this law, you only get one chance to beat your wife, so make sure it’s for something really important, because if you do it again, you’ll be banished from the NFL for life. Wait, sorry. By “lifetime ban”, they mean “a year”.

In reality, it’s an indefinite ban with a minimum of one year for a second offense on domestic violence or sexual assault.

Whew. At least a year is better than nothing. They’ll have plenty of time to sit and think about what they did while they serve out their punishment. Wait, no they won’t.

NFL’s new domestic violence policy could be challenged via antitrust law: it impacts players’ employment and wasn’t collectively bargained.

So, what have we accomplished here? Nothing. Mostly nothing. Goodell got to send out a letter, because I guess he likes writing letters. I’ll give the NFL some credit for actually acknowledging the problem and not attempting to cover over it unlike some professions, and I hate I even have to point this out, but don’t hit women. Like, just don’t hit them. The only time you should hit a woman is if she just recently turned into a zombie or got possessed by the devil. Those are the only two reasons. If she happened to recently turn into a werewolf or vampire, check to make sure she’s just not on her period first, then if she’s not, run away. Run as fast as you can. Because hitting them then will be pointless and futile, because werewolves and vampires are strong.

 

Addendum:  In Vegas, you can hit a woman if, and only if, the price is agreed upon beforehand.

 

 

 

  If you’re in the NFL and smoke weed twice, you get suspended for a year. If you’re in the NFL and  drag your wife out of an elevator by…
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Joan Rivers (1933 – 2014, 2014 – ?) By todd August 28, 2014
Joan Rivers (1933 – 2014, 2014 – ?)

 

So Joan Rivers was having surgery then stopped breathing and suffered cardiac arrest, so they rushed her to ICU were she was in critical condition. Although she’ll never be mentally stable, she’s currently in stable condition and resting comfortably in her sarcophagus regaining her strength for her continued battle against the Thundercats.

Joan Rivers remains in stable but critical condition after being hospitalized for complications from throat surgery, while more details about her health scare have been revealed. The 81-year-old comedienne and host of E!’s Fashion Police was rushed to a hospital in New York City on Thursday after she stopped breathing while undergoing a minor endoscopic procedure at a medical clinic, a source told E! News. Her daughter and frequent co-star, Melissa Rivers, 46, and Melissa’s son, Cooper, 13, have flown to the city to be by Joan’s side. “They were putting a scope down her throat to check her vocal cords,” the source said. “She stopped breathing.” “This was not major surgery,” the source said, adding that Joan was sedated while undergoing the operation and that it is unclear what medication was used. Police had said they responded to an emergency call about an 81-year-old woman and transported her to a nearby hospital in critical condition. As of Thursday afternoon, she remains in the ICU.

Whatever. I bet the outfit she’s wearing looks like shit. I really wouldn’t spend a lot of time thinking about this because, there’s pictures of Lara Bingle topless on the Internet right now.

  So Joan Rivers was having surgery then stopped breathing and suffered cardiac arrest, so they rushed her to ICU were she was in critical condition. Although she’ll never be…

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Beyonce’s Dad Says Divorce Rumors Were To Trick You Into Buying A Ticket By todd August 28, 2014
Beyonce’s Dad Says Divorce Rumors Were To Trick You Into Buying A Ticket

 

The past two weeks we were all led to believe that spreading misinformation was strictly a tactic used by police departments and the government, but as it turns out, Beyonce and Jay Z might have started their own divorce rumors so you would buy a ticket to their “On The Run Tour”. She told you to bow down, and of course, you did.

Mathew Knowles has spoken out with new claims that the whole scandal was a “Jedi mind trick” orchestrated to “ignite” ticket sales for the couple’s On The Run Tour!.…Knowles made the explosive claims on the Roula & Ryan show on 104.1 KRBE in Houston earlier this week. Asked about the infamous elevator incident earlier this year, and continuing divorce rumors, Knowles — Beyonce’s former manager — was unequivocal about his opinion. “I know, because we’ve done this. From experience, there’s a tour going on,” he said. “So you sometimes have to ignite that tour. It’s called a Jedi mind trick. The Jedi mind trick fools you a lot.”…Incredulous, one of the hosts asked if it were truly possible that Beyonce, Jay Z, and Solange Knowles staged and leaked the tape of themselves arguing in an elevator at an after-party for the Met Ball in New York earlier this year. He said, “All I know is the Jedi mind trick. Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%!”

Beyonce is a feminist icon now, so a plot to pretend her marriage is crumbling to squeeze every last dime she can from her tour will be seen as a shrewd, tactical move from a badass bitch boss lady. Kinda like the time Farrah Abraham pretended she was pregnant with James Deen’s baby. No? Not the same thing? Ok, cool.

  The past two weeks we were all led to believe that spreading misinformation was strictly a tactic used by police departments and the government, but as it turns out,…

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Okay Then By todd August 28, 2014
Okay Then

 

I don’t know how many takes this took until Kris Jenner was satisfied, but here’s Kylie Jenner (17) and Kendall Jenner (18) getting their usual hypersexualized on. But here’s the twist: they’re doing it with each other. Two sisters. Nobody finds that weird and kinda creepy? And since I’m legally allowed to comment on Kendall’s ass now, is there some type of reward if I find it and facilitate it’s safe return?

  I don’t know how many takes this took until Kris Jenner was satisfied, but here’s Kylie Jenner (17) and Kendall Jenner (18) getting their usual hypersexualized on. But here’s…

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Megan Fox Is An Elite Athlete By todd August 28, 2014
Megan Fox Is An Elite Athlete

 

Megan Fox is in South Korea right now (which should scare the living hell out of her husband) promoting the abomination called TMNT, and while she was there, she threw out the first pitch for the LG Twins/Doosan Bears game. This is basically just a post to see Megan Fox bent over. I feel like I should be honest with you all.

 

  Megan Fox is in South Korea right now (which should scare the living hell out of her husband) promoting the abomination called TMNT, and while she was there, she…

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