Chelsea Heath Is New Here By todd September 19, 2014
Chelsea Heath Is New Here

 

The media would like you to believe that Jennifer Lopez and Nicki Minaj have great asses, but here’s Chelsea Heath to make you understand how the media lies and forces you to conform to their idea of ass beauty. I know this may come as a shock and crumble a lot of narratives, but hang on, here it comes…you can have a fantastic ass while simultaneously not having the BMI of Bigfoot. I know, I know. Take a moment. The veil has been lifted. I might take a while to adjust your eyes.

  The media would like you to believe that Jennifer Lopez and Nicki Minaj have great asses, but here’s Chelsea Heath to make you understand how the media lies and…
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Jonathan Dwyer Headbutted His Wife For Not Giving It Up By todd September 19, 2014
Jonathan Dwyer Headbutted His Wife For Not Giving It Up

 

Jonathan Dwyer also played for the Pittsburgh Steelers. He probably learned this move from Ben Roethlisberger. Pretty smooth.

Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer headbutted his wife in the face and broke her nose during a domestic dispute in July … this according to official court docs. Investigators say ... Dwyer and his wife were in an argument on July 21st that escalated when he “attempted to kiss her and remove her clothing.” Dwyer’s wife allegedly told him to stop — but when he continued anyway, she bit his lip. That’s when cops say Jonathan headbutted her in the face, fracturing her nasal bone. Dwyer’s wife left the home — but she says she returned when Jonathan texted her a picture of a knife and said he didn’t want to live anymore. According to the report, “She said he had threatened to kill himself in front of her and their child if she alerted the police to the assault.”

Sooo….this dude is crazy. This dude is crazy, right? Deliver a headbutt, then threaten to kill yourself in front of your kid? What’s his wife’s vagina made of? Honey? Magic? Honey and magic? Or maybe it’s made from something not found on the periodic table, because this sounds like a pretty extreme response to not being able to get laid.

  Jonathan Dwyer also played for the Pittsburgh Steelers. He probably learned this move from Ben Roethlisberger. Pretty smooth. Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer headbutted his wife in the…
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LOL By todd September 19, 2014
LOL

 

So, apparently some gossip magazine called Famous photoshopped some cellulite on Kendall Jenner and said she was too fat for the runway. You can see the real, not too fat  pics here, so I wouldn’t say she was too fat for the runway. She’s too meh for the runway. But people are actually pissed about this saying that Kendall was fat shamed despite not being fat or in shape or whatever. She has the classic sorority girl body type. Not really sure why people are upset. This magazine just took some of the fat that’s been photoshopped off Kim Kardashian and put it on her. Maybe the people who run this magazine are Native Americans and just don’t want to waste shit, you ever think about that?  Let’s try to respect other cultures.

  So, apparently some gossip magazine called Famous photoshopped some cellulite on Kendall Jenner and said she was too fat for the runway. You can see the real, not too…

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Here’s Jennifer Lopez’s ‘Booty’ Video By todd September 19, 2014
Here’s Jennifer Lopez’s ‘Booty’ Video

 

Lots of apostrophes in that headline. Sorry. Anyway, this year women are literally paying black producers to write them songs about the stuff they can do with their asses because the state of music is basically a dumpster fire, so here’s Jennifer Lopez‘s video for the subtlety titled, “Booty” ft. Iggy Azalea’s booty.  It’s perfect for the woman who wants to post Jezebel articles during the week then wants to be the twerk champion on Saturday night. Jennifer Lopez was born before disposable lighters were invented, so this video not might as sexy as some might suggest, but between this and “Anaconda”, I hope this will be enough to get Miley Cyrus to maybe fake her own death and never be heard from again. I left that Meghan Trainor ‘All About That Cake” video out because nobody wants to see that.

 

  Lots of apostrophes in that headline. Sorry. Anyway, this year women are literally paying black producers to write them songs about the stuff they can do with their asses…

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Actual Models Hate Kendall Jenner By todd September 18, 2014
Actual Models Hate Kendall Jenner

 

All things being relative, Kendall Jenner for some reason actually gets praise for “hard work” for putting on clothes and walking down a runway, because she’s the only person in her family who doesn’t base their entire existence on being on a reality show. Turns out that models who put on clothes and walk down a runway who aren’t there as a novelty, ain’t got time for that.

Her modeling career continues to soar, but at New York Fashion Week, Kendall Jenner got a taste of how catty the modeling world can be. “The other models worked so hard to get a spot on the runway and didn’t think it was fair that she was there,” a source tells the new issue of In Touch, revealing that as revenge they decided to mess with her. “Some [of the models] put out their cigarettes in Kendall’s drink!” the source explains. “They thought she was getting special treatment and just weren’t OK with it.”

I really can’t think of anything more pointless and so far up it’s own ass than NYFW except maybe this site, but some people think it’s great because they have the fashion propaganda film The Devil Wears Prada on DVD that makes people think some self-important evil bitch and some gays control everything you wear and buy. I just bought some camo shorts. What self-respecting gay man would wear those? Actually they were bought for me and I threw them awaybbut still.

  All things being relative, Kendall Jenner for some reason actually gets praise for “hard work” for putting on clothes and walking down a runway, because she’s the only person…

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Anastasia Ashley. Now With Video! By todd September 18, 2014
Anastasia Ashley. Now With Video!

 

Hey, we had Miley Cyrus and Avril Lavigne and domestic violence, so here’s Anastasia Ashley taking a bikini selfie and Anastasia Ashley in a video for Maxim. So basically it’s a lot of Anastasia Ashley. And that’s always a good thing, unless “Anastasia Ashley” means “ebola” in some language that I’m not familiar with.

 

  Hey, we had Miley Cyrus and Avril Lavigne and domestic violence, so here’s Anastasia Ashley taking a bikini selfie and Anastasia Ashley in a video for Maxim. So basically…

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Hey, Somebody Else In The NFL Beat Up Their Wife And Kid By todd September 18, 2014
Hey, Somebody Else In The NFL Beat Up Their Wife And Kid

 

Roger Goodell can’t even right now. He literally can’t even. He might die.

Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer is suspected of assaulting his wife in TWO separate incidents … and is accused of breaking bones … cops tell TMZ Sports.  According to police, the 25-year-old allegedly roughed up his wife at their home in Phoenix on July 21st and again on July 22nd.  Shortly after the incidents, cops say, Dwyer’s wife left the state with their child.  Cops list 2 victims — a 27-year-old female (his wife) and their 18-month-old child.  A report was made with cops on September 11, 2014 … and cops have been investigating ever since.  After investigators found probable cause, they arrested Dwyer  on Sept. 17th for domestic violence in Tempe.  Cops say they interviewed Dwyer and he acknowledged the incidents — but he DENIED any physical assaults. Dwyer is being booked into the Maricopa County Jail on 1 count of aggravated assault causing a fracture, 1 count of aggravated assault involving a minor, 2 counts of criminal damage, 1 count of preventing the use of a phone in an emergency, and assault.

Man, I don’t know if any of you drafted Dwyer in your Domestic Violence Fantasy League this year, but if you did, good job. He beat up his wife AND his kid. That’s like 18 points or something. Also, the NFL needs to be unplugged then plugged back in. See if that helps.

  Roger Goodell can’t even right now. He literally can’t even. He might die. Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer is suspected of assaulting his wife in TWO separate incidents…
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Avril Lavigne Is Probably Single Right Now By todd September 18, 2014
Avril Lavigne Is Probably Single Right Now

 

Marriage is pretty cool, because it’s a societal obligation that forces you to sign a contract promising to stay with another person until one of you dies, but it has a clause that stipulates if you fuck up, she’ll get to take half your shit. Women love the idea of marriage, because marriage means an engagement ring they can post on Facebook and Instagram. It also means a big, huge wedding they’ve been dreaming about their whole lives that will send them into crippling debt before they even get started, then after the wedding and honeymoon, they realize they have to look and have sex with the same person for the rest of their lives even though that person takes dumps with the door open. That part doesn’t sound as cool, so that’s why over half of marriages end in divorce. Oh, by the way, Avril Lavigne and Chad Nickelback are getting a divorce. That’s general point here.

This rockstar romance may be coming to an end. Avril Lavigne and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger are headed for a split after a year of marriage, insiders reveal exclusively in the new issue of Us Weekly. “It’s over,” a source tells Us. “He has been going around L.A. telling people that they are divorcing.” Kroeger, 39, popped the question to Lavigne, 29, in August 2012 after dating for a month. They wed in an intimate ceremony in the South of France in July 2013.

The last time we heard from these two was last month. The month where he bought her a 17-CARAT DIAMOND RING. She probably won’t give that back, because if I had a literal vagina instead of the figurative one I have sometimes and somebody was dumb enough to appraise it at 17-carats, I’ll gladly take that shit and never look back. It would probably make my eyes gets so red. And what the hell is on Joey’s head?

  Marriage is pretty cool, because it’s a societal obligation that forces you to sign a contract promising to stay with another person until one of you dies, but it…

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Mexico Is After Miley Cyrus By todd September 18, 2014
Mexico Is After Miley Cyrus

 

I know that one of the big things people want to do right now is build an Israel World War Z wall around our borders, because all those Mexicans are coming over here with their hard work ethic trying to live the fictional American dream and stealing all the jobs that American’s think they’re too good to do, so it’s always good when we can find something in common with a perceived enemy so we can start an open, productive dialogue. Like extreme, hypersensitivity over a pieces of nationalism you can buy at Wal-Mart.

Miley Cyrus could go to jail for getting her ass whipped on stage … with a Mexican flag. Miley was performing Tuesday night in Monterrey, Mexico when one of her dancers whipped her prosthetic butt with a Mexican flag. Apparently Mexican officials are super sensitive about disrespecting national symbols so the congress of the state of Nuevo Leon wants her prosecuted. The crime of desecration carries a $1,200 fine and a 36 hour jail sentence. It wouldn’t be the first time a singer crossed the line south of the border. Paulina Rubio was fined $4K for appearing naked in a mag … draped in a Mexican flag.

I really hope they punish her to the fullest extent of the law, because flags are only to be used to plant in the ground after you’ve slaughtered all the people who used to live in the place where you’re sticking the flag or as a folded souvenir to give to a person’s mom who volunteered to get blown up by a IED for $26,000 a year. But hitting somebody in the ass with it? Now that’s just obscene.

 

  I know that one of the big things people want to do right now is build an Israel World War Z wall around our borders, because all those Mexicans…

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Iggy Azalea Is Suing Her Ex-BF Over The Sex Tape Thing By todd September 18, 2014
Iggy Azalea Is Suing Her Ex-BF Over The Sex Tape Thing

 

As we’ve adequately covered, like many female, white “hip hop artists” before her, Iggy Azalea was fucking for tracks, and one time one of those was recorded onto a computer and now it’s being sold as a sex tape to Vivid most likely by her ex-boyfriend and producer, Hefe Wine. Iggy Azalea is now suing him, because although he was good enough to bang to further her career, he now apparently isn’t good enough to make money off her now that she’s famous. I hope you’re following along.

Iggy Azalea is fighting back at her ex, Maurice Williams aka Hefe Wine, with a lawsuit for infringing copyright and unlawfully promoting yet-to-be released music from her early days as a struggling artist. E! News has obtained the court documents, which claim that Williams used her name, likeness, voice and trademark to promote and distribute her songs without her consent. Williams has announced that he will release an EP by the “Fancy” singer, entitled Inizio, on Sept. 30. This is the same fellow who previously claimed to have a sex tape featuring the star in his possession as well. But back to the matter at hand: According to court docs, Azalea says that the music was stolen off of her computer around 2008 and was never completed nor approved by her for commercial use. She alleges that sometime between April 2008 and January 2009, Williams downloaded the entire contents of her personal computer onto a jump drive without her consent. The lawsuit then alleges that Williams created a forged recording agreement document, with an altered signature, as well as a fake artist management agreement to make it look as if Azalea had a deal set in place with Wine Enterprises, Inc. She claims that the document is a modified version of an old artist agreement she had signed and that her early music should not be released without her approval. Azalea is suing for compensatory damages, plus interest at the legal rate (for any profits on the infringements) and statutory damages for each copyright infringement.

Man, lots of stuff happening in the blockquote. Lots of legal stuff and what have you. Although none of it really matters, because once Iggy and her PR team make sure that everyone believes she’s the victim, they’ll quietly settle out of court and Iggy will sign a deal with Vivid for her cut of the profits Vivid makes for each download. But off topic real quick, I didn’t know Iggy’s ass was that big. Why didn’t anybody tell me about this? Hefe Wine is black, so I guess I should have just assumed. He was either going to be black or a frontier settler that has time traveled into the future.

  As we’ve adequately covered, like many female, white “hip hop artists” before her, Iggy Azalea was fucking for tracks, and one time one of those was recorded onto a…

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