Bella Thorne Was In A Bikini For Memorial Day By todd May 26, 2015

Bella Thorne showed up to Joel Silver’s annual Memorial Day party and immediately got into a bikini, which was pretty awesome except she’s 17. Notice how she’s basically just playing by herself in the water, because nobody really wanted to spend the next 5 to 10 Memorial Days in prison. I guess they could have invited Josh Duggar to take religious liberties with her, because as soon as he fingerbanged her while she was asleep on the beach, his parents could just send him off to build houses and tell Bella Thorne to stop being so immodest and tempting their son. Then he could just confess his sins after the statute of limitations was up and God would be pretty cool with that, because after you say you believe in God you can do pretty much fondle underage girls all the time and not have to go to any sort of counseling or a psychiatrist, because once you get in a prayer circle, your brain is instantly fixed and you no longer like to fondle teenage girls, but you still might think gays are sexual deviants you are going to hell, so you pray for them and ask God to make them child molesters instead so they might have a chance to go to heaven. Religion is a pretty great setup like that. Good business model.

Bella Thorne showed up to Joel Silver’s annual Memorial Day party and immediately got into a bikini, which was pretty awesome except she’s 17. Notice how she’s basically just playing…
Pamela Anderson Is Naked For PETA Again By todd May 22, 2015
Pamela Anderson Is Naked For PETA Again

There isn’t really a scenario where Pamela Anderson won’t get naked if you ask, but she’s naked again for PETA for water or something. PETA says meat and dairy farms drain a third of the Earth’s water, but you know who has a better kill rate? PETA. A dog would have a better chance of surviving an IED attack than it would being adopted by PETA.

There isn’t really a scenario where Pamela Anderson won’t get naked if you ask, but she’s naked again for PETA for water or something. PETA says meat and dairy farms…

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You Could Have Bought Emily Ratajkowski’s Used Thong For $50 By todd May 21, 2015
You Could Have Bought Emily Ratajkowski’s Used Thong For $50

A Craigslist ad (that got deleted as I was writing this) was trying to sell you Emily Ratajkowski‘s used thong for $50. The guy who posted it said he didn’t bang her, so I guess that decreases it’s value? I’d pay $50 to see her actually wear a thong, so I know some Christian pastor would have paid at least $500 for it. Even if he had a profile on Grindr, he can probably appreciate fun and flirty fashion.

A Craigslist ad (that got deleted as I was writing this) was trying to sell you Emily Ratajkowski‘s used thong for $50. The guy who posted it said he didn’t…

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The Khaleesi’s Body Double Says She’s Staying A Virgin Until Marriage By todd May 21, 2015

Rosie Mac‘s body may be in the background on Game of Thrones, but her vagina is high up on a pedestal.

Rosie Mac, a 18-year-old British model who also portrays Daenerys Targaryen, aka Khaleesi, aka Mother of Dragons on the hit HBO fantasy series, has made a public vow of chastity. On her Instagram page, it states that she wishes to remain a “virgin until marriage.” “I’ve got very high morals,” The Sun newspaper quoted her as saying in an interview published this week. “I read it when I was about 13, from beauty pageants, and it kind of stuck. I really like the whole thing of keeping yourself for your husband.” Her Instagram and Facebook pages are full of modeling photos, including pictures of her in bikinis. “I get a lot of weirdoes messaging me strange, nude pictures all the time in Facebook messages,” The Sun quoted her as saying. “One of the things they don’t realize is that my mum actually helps me manage those accounts, so she’s seen it all, too. That’s definitely not the way to impress me—or her!” Mac also said that if she gets more famous, she would love to be able to tell girls, “You don’t have to use your body in that way to be famous, you can be a star in your own right.”

Awww, this is cute. So sweet. Saving yourself for marriage then finding out you’re sexually incompatible and having to buy a vibrator to use when your husband is in the bathroom always makes a happy marriage that will last until one of you is found murdered under mysterious circumstances or reconnects with an ex on Facebook.

Rosie Mac‘s body may be in the background on Game of Thrones, but her vagina is high up on a pedestal. Rosie Mac, a 18-year-old British model who also portrays…
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Charlotte McKinney Is Classy Now By todd May 21, 2015

Thanks to Page Six and Drunkenstepfather (also, thanks for Anastasia, bro) I know who Charlotte McKinney is, because I appreciate the innate talent to be born with massive tits and a mildly attractive face. So here she is in a new photoshoot, where she wants you to look at her massive tits but at the same time she doesn’t want you to look at her massive tits because she’s more than massive tits in this photoshoot or something. The logic kinda escapes me.

Thanks to Page Six and Drunkenstepfather (also, thanks for Anastasia, bro) I know who Charlotte McKinney is, because I appreciate the innate talent to be born with massive tits and…

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Women Are Required To Wear Heels At Cannes By todd May 21, 2015

Man, Cannes has it figured out. The best way to make a woman not want to wear the heels she was gonna wear  is to tell her that heels are mandatory if she wants to step on the red carpet. This is good for Twitter though, because if you ever want to get something trending, just make a rule that a woman is required to do something she probably was gonna do anyway. Cue outrage!

The director of the Cannes Film Festival has apologised after a controversy blew up over women being denied access to the red carpet for not wearing high heels. “We apologise,” said Thierry Fremaux at a dinner at the famed Carlton hotel on Tuesday night. But he sought to downplay the controversy that blew up on social media after reports that security guards had turned away females guests for wearing flats at a screening of “Carol” starring Cate Blanchett.”There was perhaps a small moment of over-zealousness,” he said, apparently referring to the security guards. The story, first reported by trade magazine Screen International, sparked hundreds of angry tweets and was described by actress Emily Blunt as “very disappointing”. “Everyone should wear flats to be honest. We shouldn’t wear high heels anyway,” said Blunt at a press conference for her new film “Sicario”.

Some men said they were going to wear heels in protest, but I think they made it like three feet then took them off because us men don’t willingly wear things that are uncomfortable besides wedding rings and abdominal fat. On another note, someone should say that woman are required to grow full pubic hair so I can buy stock in Gillette Venus.

Man, Cannes has it figured out. The best way to make a woman not want to wear the heels she was gonna wear  is to tell her that heels are…
Anastasia Ashley Is Because It’s Wednesday By todd May 20, 2015

I haven’t posted about my favorite butt in a while, or talked to my favorite butt in a while, because it’s attached to Anastasia Ashley and Anastasia Ashley is posing in bikinis basically all over the world the last few months. I mean, what country wouldn’t want to give her butt a permanent visa? I can’t think of one. Maybe North Korea. Or maybe Layne Bryant. Maybe if they put her butt on the American flag, I’d fly it in my yard. And instead of placing and hands over our hearts at football games we can place them over our dicks. I think this is more in line with what our forefathers were all about. Probably second to slavery.

I haven’t posted about my favorite butt in a while, or talked to my favorite butt in a while, because it’s attached to Anastasia Ashley and Anastasia Ashley is posing…

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Don’t Apologize To The Nerds, Simon Pegg By todd May 20, 2015

If you have any Facebook friends who think superheroes are real or proposed to their half-sister at Comic-Con, you probably already know they hate Simon Pegg now, because in an interview with Radio Times, he took a huge shit on grown ass adults who watch comic book movies and actually take them seriously.

“Part of me looks at society as it is now and just thinks we’ve been infantilised by our own taste. Now we’re essentially consuming very childish things – comic books, superheroes… Adults are watching this stuff and taking it seriously.’ It is a kind of dumbing down in a way, because it’s taking our focus away from real-world issues. Films used to be about challenging, emotional journeys or moral questions that might make you walk away and re-evaluate how you felt about…whatever. Now we’re walking out of the cinema really not thinking about anything, other than the fact that the Hulk just had a fight with a robot.”

Of course, he’s not wrong. Or even slightly wrong. But he probably got threatened by a Pizza Hut manager with a styrofoam Thor hammer and caps lock, so he wrote up this way too long and explanatory apology. He also took the title from a song written by Morrissey, so I assume he was being sarcastic. Here’s an excerpt.

“The ‘dumbing down’ comment came off as a huge generalisation by an A-grade asshorn. I did not mean that science fiction or fantasy are dumb, far from it…The point of all this is just to get my position clear. I’m not out of the fold, my passions and preoccupations remain. Sometimes it’s good to look at the state of the union and make sure we’re getting the best we can get.”

He’s right, science fiction or fantasy aren’t dumb. Especially if you can stop playing with your Hulk toy long enough to watch Ex Machina, The One I Love, or Coherence. Or any episode of Black Mirror. You know what’s dumb? Your two hour commercials for Marvel and DC toys. Actual comic books might be “dark” and “edgy” in the way you can apply those words to finished coloring books, but Chris Evans in that dumb ass suit and a CGI Shrek after 42 rounds of P90X is just stupid. Sorry. I know you really want to believe it’s not. Just like you think raising the minimum wage to $15 will make us all one feed off the blood of rats and use human hair as blankets in an interment camp where a Wal-Mart once stood, but in reality, Asgard isn’t an actual place. And superhero movies are dumb.

If you have any Facebook friends who think superheroes are real or proposed to their half-sister at Comic-Con, you probably already know they hate Simon Pegg now, because in an…

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Mariah Carey Looks Great By todd May 20, 2015

Mariah Carey was on Live! With Kelly and Michael, and she talked about the time she went back in time and ate the Mariah Carey in the Heartbreaker video with some biscuits and syrup.  Or  she didn’t. I don’t know. I didn’t watch this broadcast nor do I DVR it.

Mariah Carey was on Live! With Kelly and Michael, and she talked about the time she went back in time and ate the Mariah Carey in the Heartbreaker video with…

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Taylor Swift Is Great At Stunts By todd May 19, 2015
 

Go to 1:42 of the #BadBloodMusicVideo to see the take where I got it right. This, however, was the first take. #stuntFAIL

A video posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

I was unaware that Taylor Swift could do anything more awkward than this kiss, but that’s before she decided to do her own stunts for the Bad Blood music video. I know there were a lot of people in this thing, but she probably should have called the Kool-Aid Man.

  Go to 1:42 of the #BadBloodMusicVideo to see the take where I got it right. This, however, was the first take. #stuntFAIL A video posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift)…

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